Most people spend a couple of hours on social media each day. When Reesa Teesa recently began posting her “Who TF Did I Marry?!?” saga on TikTok, however, it’s possible that millions saw their screen times spike as they consumed the nine-hour series.
In the viral series of 52 videos shared from Feb. 14 to 16, Teesa recounts her tumultuous relationship with her now ex-husband, referred to under the alias Legion, who pathologically lied throughout the course of their yearlong relationship, from pretending to buy them a house to lying about his entire identity. In the end, after finding his flirtatious messages with other women, Teesa ran a background check on Legion and got in contact with his estranged older brother and ex-wife. Lies upon lies were uncovered, leading Teesa to kick Legion out and promptly file for divorce.
Despite the deception Teesa endured, we can all learn from her experience and apply it to our own dating lives. And while manipulators are entirely responsible and at fault for their actions and behaviors, with certain lessons in mind, we can better equip ourselves to recognize harmful patterns early on.
We tapped Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, a licensed psychologist and the host of the “Therapy For Black Girls” podcast, for the biggest lessons to take away from “Who TF Did I Marry?!?”
1. Research Potential Partners
According to Teesa, Legion spun a hefty web of lies throughout their relationship. Researching dates and partners early on is a great tool to protect yourself as you navigate dating. “We want to make sure that we are using technology to our strength,” Dr. Bradford says. She does, however, advise against “going down a deep dive and stalking” suitors, adding that the information you’re looking for should be available in a quick Google search.
Some people prefer thorough resources like background checks just to be safe. If you’d like to go that route, Dr. Bradford recommends having an open conversation with your suitor or potential partner first.
Also, as relationships progress, you will meet people in your partner’s life who will likely corroborate important details. “If you are involved with someone for an extended amount of time and you never meet anyone in their lives, even on FaceTime, that to me is a concern,” Dr. Bradford says.
2. Take Your Time Getting to Know Your Partner
Looking back, timing was a crucial factor in Teesa and Legion’s relationship. They met in early March 2020, prior to COVID lockdown, and he moved in with her a couple weeks later to quarantine. During this time, it was common for new relationships to quickly escalate as people were with their partners practically 24/7.
Every relationship is unique, and timelines may differ, but there can be value in taking the time to thoroughly get to know your partner, especially before making important life decisions.
“Give yourself the gift of a holiday cycle, because I think when you are preparing for the holidays, a lot of things come up around family relationships [and] how they respond to the stress,” Dr. Bradford says. Aside from this rule of thumb, she notes that seeing how your partner interacts with waitstaff and how they treat you while you’re sick (or vice versa) can give you insight into their overall character.
3. Lean on Your Community For Support
One particularly difficult moment in Teesa’s story happened after she experienced pregnancy loss. During her recovery from the D&C procedure, Legion texted Teesa’s mom and aunt telling them to not bother her during the healing process. This made it so that Teesa would have to solely rely on Legion during the traumatic and emotional experience.
One of the best tools we have at our disposal is community. “Abuse thrives in isolation and silence,” Dr. Bradford says. “Even if they are not telling you, ‘Don’t tell your friends this,’ are they cultivating an environment where it feels difficult for you to share certain things with friends and family?” Having the support of loved ones can help keep you grounded and reduce the potential of being isolated in a relationship.
4. Understand Your Attachment Style
Everyone shows up differently in relationships depending on their attachment style. More avoidant people tend to withdraw, while anxious people need reassurance and validation. The dynamic in Teesa and Legion’s relationship might trigger someone with an anxious or disorganized attachment style – even though the anxious feelings would of course end up being warranted in this case.
“I definitely think knowing your attachment style helps you to know if something is based on what’s actually happening or whether it’s something from your past that you’re reacting to that doesn’t have anything to do with this current person,” Dr. Bradford says.
5. Trust Your Intuition
Throughout the series, Teesa recalls feeling in her gut that things weren’t right on multiple occasions. But despite the red flags, she pressed on.
“Anytime that we are questioning ourselves or something that doesn’t feel quite right,” Dr. Bradford says, “we try to rationalize it or we don’t pay attention to it, thinking it’s just anxiety or ‘I’m making too much of a situation.’ Usually that’s our intuition trying to tell us that we need to check something out. The most important thing for us is to pay attention to ourselves and our instincts, because they will rarely lead us wrong.”
When getting more acquainted with your intuition, Dr. Bradford recommends that you stop and take a moment to embrace stillness. Having a moment alone to sit and journal, for example, can help you feel more in touch with your intuition.
6. Slow Down on Making Important Decisions
From moving in together to getting engaged, Teesa and Legion – at Legion’s insistence – made life-altering decisions quickly. “There are very few decisions that require an immediate response,” Dr. Bradford says. “Giving yourself the gift of time to consider all angles before you say yes or no is one of the best ways to honor your intuition.”
Taking a step back and viewing the situation objectively can create a space where you can see what decision best serves you in the long run.
Daria Yazmiene is a freelance writer, social media manager, and advocate for BIPOC communities. She is a proud graduate of Arizona State University’s Walter Cronkite School of Journalism.
