If you have trouble orgasming from penetration, you’re not alone. According to one study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, only 18 percent of women surveyed said they know how to orgasm from vaginal sex.
The reason you don’t know how to have a vaginal orgasm could be for a myriad of reasons, including gender dysphoria, anxiety, past trauma, physical injury, and disability. But not knowing how to orgasm from vaginal penetration doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that something must be “fixed.” It could just mean you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.
“Vaginal orgasms occur when stimulation from penetration of the vagina takes place. This can be during solo pleasure using fingers or stimulators or with a partner through vaginal or oral sex,” clinical sexologist Megwyn White says. “If you haven’t experienced an internal vaginal orgasm, know that that is completely normal.”
In order to have fun and pleasurable vaginal sex, it often starts with returning to the basics, meaning both partners should be relaxed, communicate with each other, and spend extra time on foreplay. It also may require you to revisit what you want from sex. Is there a new kink you’d like to explore? Is there a better sex position you could try?
Then, once you change the expectations you set around orgasm and performance, you can then start to focus on how to orgasm from penetration. With help from experts, let’s dive into how to actually enjoy vaginal sex, starting with mindset, arousal, and the tools you need to set yourself up for a really good time.
Experts Featured in This Article
Megwyn White is a clinical sexologist and director of education at sexual wellness company Satisfyer.
How to Orgasm From Penetration
Get Familiar With Your Body Through Masturbation
Getting to know your body is one of the best things you can do for your sex life, and the best way to do that is through masturbation. “Start by just practicing mindfulness by deep breathing and making yourself aware of your body. You’ll then want to explore your body and focus on what is feeling good to you in that moment,” White says.
You can start by touching your erogenous zones to increase arousal – including your nipples, chest, neck, and thighs, for example – then use your fingers or a sex toy to explore different areas of your vulva.
Practice Clitoral Stimulation First
Try focusing on clitoral stimulation before jumping into vaginal penetration, as most vulva owners need clit stimulation to orgasm. To get familiar with your clitoris, get into a comfortable position like on your back. Then, apply a little lube to your fingers and gently stroke, tap, or make circles around your clitoris to see what you like.
If you’re new to clit stimulation, it can be helpful to start with your hands first and see what you like before using a sex toy. Once you’re more familiar with what a clitoral orgasm feels like, it can help you prepare for a vaginal orgasm.
Explore Your G-Spot
If you want to have an orgasm from vaginal sex specifically, White recommends getting to know your G-spot. “It’s the area where clitoral bulbs separate, located two to three inches inside the vagina near your belly,” she says.
The best way to stimulate the G-spot is to make a “come hither” motion with one or two fingers. When you’ve found the right area, you’ll likely notice a slightly spongey texture that may swell upon stimulation. It’s great to explore with sex toys but also fingers.
Bottom line: It takes time to find what feels good for your body, so be patient with yourself.
Communicate With Your Partner
Once you’re ready for partnered sex, have a conversation with your partner beforehand to discuss your needs and desires for sex. In this case, it may be helpful to “let your partner know that you haven’t orgasmed before through vaginal stimulation,” White says. “Being honest and open with a partner is a great way to build trust and intimacy.”
Once the conversation is started, work with your partner to determine how you can best be supported during sex. Do you like dirty talk during sex? Does eye contact during sex turn you on or intimidate you? How often should you check in? Who initiates this kind of dialogue during sex? Deciding on these cues beforehand helps both partners keep each other safe and supported.
You may also suggest dedicating a certain amount of time (like three to four minutes) to exploring internal sex and how it feels for you. It may seem a little silly to set a timer for sex, but it’s all about taking bite-size experiences that won’t overwhelm you. Plus, if it feels great, you can always keep going.
Just remember, during this time, don’t be afraid to give directions, try something you’ve experimented with during masturbation, or introduce a toy. The key here is trust, communication, and taking some time for you to enjoy the attention.
Focus on Mindfulness
Both before and during sex, your breath is a great source of connection to your body and your partner. “Deepening your breath is incredibly helpful for approaching vaginal orgasms because it helps to expand sensations, get you out of your head, and helps you stay present in the moment,” White says.
Before foreplay and sex, try syncing your breath with your partner, helping you both attune your nervous systems to one another. You can do this by facing each other, either naked or clothed, and resting your hands on the other’s heart. Breathe in for three counts and out for three until you find mutual relaxation and connection. Then, during sex, focus on your and your partner’s breathing to get back into the moment, or just take a break together and breathe deeply until you feel ready to continue.
“Breath play and conscious connection to the body are extremely important to arousal. One can actually stimulate their clitoris through deep enough breath work by exhaling slowly [and] activating the pelvic-floor muscles, which help to house the clitoris and support engagement,” White says. Don’t underestimate the power of this step.
Get in Touch With Your Senses
“Slow, deliberate touch is one of the best ways to activate sexual energy in a body and the part of the brain that allows for a more relaxed and receptive headspace in preparation for an orgasm,” White says. To incorporate your senses even beyond touch, though, listen to music you love, burn a scented candle in the room, or try out temperature play.
You can also incorporate sensory sex, which simply means activating multiple senses at once. Sensory play – like using a blindfold or hot and cold temperatures – can help keep you in the moment and anticipate what comes next.
Stop Thinking About Your Orgasm
Finally, the best way to experience an orgasm is to just stop thinking you have to have one. Easier said than done, we know, but White says, “If the emphasis is on achieving an orgasm, this could create layering feelings of anxiety, which could actually backfire and make achieving an orgasm even more difficult.” Instead, “taking the pressure off the table can actually invite more moment-to-moment pleasure to happen.”
If you struggle to let go of the expectation to orgasm, try switching up the metrics by which you judge sex. Rather than thinking about whether or not you orgasmed, ask yourself if you had fun, felt confident, or saw your partner enjoying themself.
Sara Youngblood Gregory was a contributing staff writer for PS Wellness. She covers sex, kink, disability, pleasure, and wellness. Her work has been featured in Vice, HuffPost, Bustle, DAME, The Rumpus, Jezebel, and many others.
