Among the endless kinks and fetishes in the world, BDSM is a sort of umbrella term encompassing those that involve stark power dynamics. After the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series hit the shelves in 2011, the term BDSM suddenly became a household name, and is still searched on Google over 100,000 times a month. But while the books and movies get a few things right about BDSM, there’s a lot more to the multifaceted world of kink that anyone interested in sexual power play should know.
For starters, BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Often times, participants craft a sexual scene together in which they embody either a submissive or dominant role. (Some people switch mid-scene.) For those who take on a submissive role (the “sub”), many are aroused by the feeling of security they get from being controlled. For those who take on a more dominant role (the “dom”), the turn-on is the control they wield over their sub.
BDSM isn’t for everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex if that’s what you crave. But for thousands of fetishists and kinksters out there, BDSM provides the tools and structure to safely and respectfully explore their sexual desires and find deeper fulfillment in their sexual relationships.
Experts Featured in This Article
Carol Queen, PhD, is a sexologist for Good Vibrations.
Getting Started With BDSM
BDSM exists on a spectrum and looks different depending upon individual preferences. For some people, BDSM is an entire lifestyle and dictates the way they dress, eat, and think, while for others it simply offers a framework for types of play they like to incorporate into more standard sexual routines. But regardless of how you partake, the sexual practice is often just as cerebral as it is physical. Sexologist Carol Queen says that the power dynamics in BDSM scenes can “take the form of physical acts,” be purely mental, or fall somewhere in between.
The BDSM principle of bondage, for example, can be a physical or a mental endeavor. Some bondage enthusiasts (rope bunnies as they’re called in the BDSM community) need to feel the physical sensation of being tied up or tying up a partner with some kind of fabric or cord in order to reach orgasm. For others, it’s less about the physical act and more about the imaginative space created by the partners, in which they play with restraint more as a metaphor. (Example: “You can’t come until I tell you to come.”)
Impact play, like flogging and spanking, is also considered BDSM, since it is a “physical activity that engages the senses,” and may cause (wanted, negotiated, consensual) pain, Queen says. Technically, any sort of consensual power play in a sexual dynamic is considered a form of BDSM, she adds.
BDSM Terms to Know
- Bondage: Often looks like tying someone up with a rope, a cord, a silk tie, etc. This is done to render the submissive or “sub” vulnerable to the desires and actions of the dominant.
- Dom: The dominant partner.
- Sub: The submissive partner.
- Switch: Someone who switches between the roles of dominant and submissive.
- Discipline: When the sub obeys the commands of the dom.
- Sadism: Enjoying the act of inflicting pain.
- Masochism: Enjoying the act of having pain inflicted on you.
- Safe word: A word that is decided upon before the session and is spoken whenever a participant wants the act to stop. A safe word is used in place of “stop” because the safe word is supposed to be something that wouldn’t come up naturally during a session, in order to ensure that the word, when spoken, is taken seriously and that the action is stopped.
- Hard limit: An act that can’t be tolerated and that cannot be done. Doing the action may provoke the usage of the safe word and can also end the session/relationship.
- Soft limit: An act that can only be “taken in moderation.”
What to Discuss With Partners Before Engaging in BDSM
Because some BDSM acts can be really intense physically and emotionally, practitioners take communication and consent extremely seriously, and encourage thorough discussion of boundaries, hard limits, and fantasies with all partners before and after sex. If you’re new to BDSM culture, Queen suggests talking about the following subjects:
- What are you interested in trying?
- What are things you’re not interested in?
- Do you have any hard limits?
- What names do you like being called? What names do you not like to be called?
- Do you have any sort of physical limitations or pain that is relevant to mention? (For example, if your partner has back pain, it’s probably not a good idea to try suspended bondage.)
- Who is the top and who is the bottom? AKA, who will be doing the submission and who will be doing the dominating? (Note that it’s very common to be a “switch” and want to engage in both, but it’s important to clarify who will be playing what role for that particular scene or act.)
- Do you want to use any sex toys or sex accessories like a blindfold, handcuffs, nipple clamps, etc.?
After you’ve discussed your answers thoroughly and agreed with each other on terms, it’s time to choose a safe word.
“If play is getting to be too much (or you just need to stop and pee), you can use the safe word to make it clear you need to pause the action,” says Queen. Choose something random like “detergent” or “spinach” or “sneaker” – any word that wouldn’t otherwise come up in your scene.
What Are Some BDSM Tips?
Like most things in life, you’ll want to educate yourself on the practice before diving head-first into it. Queen recommends reading books like “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Philip Miller and Molly Devon and “Playing Well With Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams.
You can also explore some local classes or clubs. “Clubs have a vested interest in helping members and visitors play safely. Connecting with one is usually a much better idea than, say, finding a kinky sounding person online and connecting with them before you know what their reputation for safety and trustworthiness might be,” says Queen.
Know that any pain or discomfort that hasn’t been previously agreed to is not acceptable in the BDSM community. In these cases, you’ll want to use your safe word and alert your partner, says Queen. “Communicate about it together – do you need to stop the scene or just change activities or positions?” Queen says. BDSM play involve torture, yes – but only so far as that torture is enjoyable. To achieve that, clear communication in a non-negotiable. “It is not just an option to communicate: it is expected, and part of the scene,” she adds.
Lastly, once play is over, you’ll want to engage in aftercare, what Queen says is a post-sex check-in between you and your partner. This is meant to give you each space to reflect on the experience and see how you’re feeling on the other side. “It can mean discussing the scene in detail, or just finding out how you’re doing and whether you need some water or a hug. Sometimes people part ways after a scene and a check-in call happens the next day. Express what you need – this is an accepted part of BDSM.”
What Are Some BDSM Sex Toys?
Queen and her colleague Andy, an educator at Good Vibrations, recommend a blindfold and a massage candle as a beginning kink combo. “The warm soy oil of the massage candle feels so much kinkier hitting the skin when you can’t see it coming,” says Queen.
Best Massage Candle: Ignite Me Massage Candle ($14)
Best Blindfold: Comfort Sleep Mask ($5)
If interested in experimenting with the sensations of hot oil on the skin, the massage candles from IgniteMe and a basic black eye mask from Amazon are a great place to start. The candles come in multiple scents, like honey vanilla, pomegranate mint, and bergamot black tea.
More experienced BDSM-ers might want to incorporate a flogger for impact play. Queen notes, when browsing, “the softer and more plentiful the tails (think suede or fabric), the less intense it will feel.”
Best Flogger: Enchanted Flogger ($19)
For those interested in nipple play and “love a painful pinch,” as Queen calls it, they might want to invest in some nipple clamps, which can be a great way to tease and torture your partner. These clamps are adjustable, with little dials that you can turn to increase or decrease the sensation.
Best Nipple Clamps: Nipple Play Crystal Chain Nipple Clamps ($19, originally $21)
As you navigate this world of BDSM – whether as a beginner or experienced pro – remember that you should allow yourself the opportunity to try new things and see how they feel. As long as you’re exploring with someone you trust and actively enjoy the pleasure, you have nothing to be scared of.
– Additional Reporting by Taylor Andrews
Hilary White is a former PS Living editor.
Taylor Andrews is a PS Balance editor who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.
