Relationships can be complicated enough, but when you add in hormonal teenage angst, dating sometimes becomes a bit more chaotic. Despite the hardships of navigating a social life and the end of puberty, high school students portrayed in plenty of shows and movies seem to have a fun time cavorting around with their peers. (“Gossip Girl,” anyone?)
In reality, committing to a life partner when you’re also trying to survive college applications or an acne breakout before prom isn’t often what it’s cracked up to be. Believing that you’ve found your person when you’re 17 is one thing, but actually staying in that relationship for the long haul? Doesn’t always work out that way. In fact, sometimes it shouldn’t. Take it from my younger sister: she would have never met her amazing husband if she had stayed with her high school boyfriend in college.
When she was in high school, my sister and her then-boyfriend seemed to be totally endgame. They were together every possible moment, and our mom loved him practically as much as my sister did. I genuinely thought they were going to make it to the altar until she called me crying a few months into her first semester of college.
She made the decision to end things once she realized she wasn’t happy anymore, and after a few weeks of mourning what we all thought was her future, she began to feel the exact sense of freedom and independence she needed. While, sure, she experienced the quintessential few fuckboys here and there (a rite of passage, in my opinion), her college experience ended with her meeting her now husband and starting a life together.
Taking a high school sweetheart to college isn’t for everyone, and according to relationship expert Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, aka Dr. Tara, it can prevent you from really getting a well-rounded social experience. One potential downside, she tells PS, is the “loss of opportunity for exploration, because one’s college years allow young adults to learn, grow, and explore dating.”
That said, it’s ultimately a personal decision – and one you can take your time on. If you’re in this situation and feeling conflicted, read on for expert advice on whether you should bring your high school sweetheart to college.
Experts Featured in This Article
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, who also goes by Dr. Tara, is a sex and relationship expert and professor of sexual communication at CSU Fullerton.
Thalia Ouimet is a professional matchmaker and dating coach.
Is It Possible to Maintain a High School Relationship in College?
Short answer, yes. But it doesn’t mean it will be easy. If you’re heading to college for a four-year degree or beyond, it’s important to consider a number of factors regarding how that experience could look long-term. For example, are you majoring in something academically rigorous? A program that will require a lot of hands-on work outside of classroom hours? Do you want to join a sorority or other social organization? These are all important questions to ask yourself before you make a decision about your high school relationship.
Living away from a partner can be difficult, not to mention when you’re obligated to stay put for most of the year due to your education. Add on the time you’ll need for studying, having a social life, working, or completing an internship, and you may not be set up to have plenty of free time for your significant other.
“LDRs are hard to maintain,” Dr. Tara says. “Partners need to develop solid communication skills, emotional regulation, and empathy for each other. It’s possible that couples end up worrying about their LDR partner so much that they’re missing out on their college life experiences, such as joining social clubs, spring break with college buddies, late night study groups, etc.”
Despite this, dating coach Thalia Ouimet says that it’s not totally impossible to remain happy with your S.O. once you hit the higher-ed books – and this is especially true if you’re both attending the same school. “If your high school sweetheart is also going to the same college and the relationship is healthy and thriving, then I would continue the relationship,” she says. “There is no reason to end a good relationship just for the sake of going from high school to college.”
What Are the Downsides of Bringing a High School Sweetheart to College?
Imagine that you’re at a packed house party down the street from your university, sipping a seltzer and giggling with your friends. All of a sudden, the most attractive person from your statistics class walks up to you and sparks a conversation. The chat is totally innocent, but if you’re honest with yourself, you get a little nervous and start to blush. Then your phone starts to ring. Your high school sweetheart is calling for your nightly debrief before bed. What do you do?
Although it may sound like a typical scene in some cheesy romcom, this could easily happen if you choose to remain in your relationship from high school. Ouimet shares that doing so may cause you to miss out on the freedom to explore a potentially great connection. “College is often a time for meeting a wide range of people and exploring different types of relationships, both romantic and platonic,” she says. “Being in a committed relationship might limit the chance to experience dating different people and discovering new connections.”
If your high school sweetheart is also your first romantic partner, Dr. Tara also notes that, “You don’t know what you’ve never had, so if you’re not able to go on dates because you’re in a relationship, then [a more compatible relationship] is what you might be missing out on.”
The pressure of balancing all your new responsibilities along with your partnership is another aspect entirely. If you’re taking a full course load, working part time, joining new clubs on campus, and trying to make time for your S.O., at some point something will have to give. You can only handle so much, especially when you’re adjusting to a whole new environment.
“Balancing these responsibilities with maintaining a long-distance relationship can be challenging and stressful,” Ouimet says. “There can be a sense of pressure to make the relationship work, especially if it has lasted for a long time. This pressure can sometimes lead to staying in a relationship even when it’s not fulfilling or healthy.”
How Can I End My High School Relationship Before College?
Once you’ve considered all the possible factors that may go into starting a college experience with your beau in tow, it’s wise to make a decision as soon as you feel ready. While you could choose to enjoy the end of graduation season and make some final memories with them before summer ends, letting your partner go sooner than later is the most compassionate choice if you know that’s ultimately what you want. Stringing them along will only hurt you both in the end.
Dr. Tara suggests leading with empathy and putting their feelings at the forefront. “Prime your partner that you’d like to meet and talk about the future,” she says. “Be honest, tell them your intentions and reasons for breaking up, and try to stay calm. Be empathetic towards their response. People are often upset when they’re being broken up with, so give them validation that they’re not a bad person, but that the circumstances have changed.”
If you need to, write down a list of the most important things you want to say, and go over them before you meet up. This can help you remember why you’re making this decision, communicate it more effectively, and stay resolute in what you know you want.
Feeling upset or guilty for breaking things off is understandable, but it’s helpful to make sure you’re not wallowing afterward. You deserve to make the decision that is best for you and your future, and now you have endless opportunities to pursue your own happiness once you step foot on your college campus. “Being single in college can foster a sense of independence and self-reliance. It allows individuals to focus on their personal growth, self-discovery, and understanding their own identity without the influence of a long-term partner,” Ouimet says. In other words, the world is your oyster – dive in.
Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer on Bustle’s Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.
