“Three’s a crowd” isn’t just a popular phrase – it’s unsolicited advice for anyone trying to navigate three-person friendships. No matter how close you think you are or how many times you’ve swapped closets, trio friendships aren’t easy to balance, and it’s almost inevitable that someone will feel left out at some point.
A prime example: one of the current storylines at the center of “The White Lotus.” This season, the show follows three friends vacationing to Thailand together, and though they all seemed to have a perfect bond in the beginning, the relationships gradually unravel with each glass of wine consumed. In one episode, Kate (Leslie Bibb) and Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan) gossip about Laurie’s (Carrie Coon) alcohol consumption. In another episode, Kate and Laurie bond over Jaclyn’s narcissistic tendencies. And in the most recent episode, Laurie and Jaclyn whisper about Laurie’s political views. It all raises the question: Can a three-person friendship even exist without two friends gossiping about the other?
While the messy drama of “The White Lotus” is a bit more extreme than real life, it’s a perfect example of why these friendships are often doomed. No matter the dynamic, there will be more similarities or shared moments between two of the three people, creating unspoken divides. One person inevitably becomes the bonus friend.
But before you start thinking all three-person friendships are destined to implode, know that they’re not impossible to maintain – especially if you know how to navigate the complexities of them. Below, our experts explain how to avoid going on a vacation with two other friends who may actually hate you.
Experts Featured in This Article
Shari Leid is a friendship expert and life coach at An Imperfectly Perfect Life, LLC.
Cameron Sepah, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and specialist in relationship dynamics, group psychology, and human behavior.
Why Are Three-Person Friendships Hard to Navigate?
Friendship expert Shari Leid says a three-person friendship is like a social tightrope. “It’s perfect when it works, but tricky when it doesn’t.” This is because it’s likely someone is always going to feel like the third wheel in this type of friendship. “Life is built for pairs – duos, couples, and neatly arranged seats on Disney rides designed for two. By default, in a trio, someone often ends up feeling like they’re in the back seat,” Leid tells PS.
“A three-person friendship is like a social tightrope.”
Clinical psychologist Cameron Sepah, PhD, says there’s also a power imbalance. “Usually, two become best friends, and the third is left out or outnumbered in group decisions.” (In the case of “White Lotus,” whose decision do you think it was to go to Thailand?) Plus, it’s easier to gossip about each other. “With three, two can more easily gossip behind the third when the third is absent, causing insecurity and distrust,” he says.
But these are not the only reasons why three-person friendships are particularly hard to be a part of. Like with any friendship, there could also be a layer of jealousy or competition. Someone may feel the need to “prove” their status or superiority in order to become the “main person” in the friend group.
How to Successfully Have a Three-Person Friendship
Three-person friendships require work in the same way any other friendship does. For these trio relationships specifically, Leid recommends being mindful of the dynamic. “Avoid competing, keeping score, or overanalyzing who puts in more effort. True friendship thrives on trust – you have to believe in the bond and let it grow naturally.”
Unlike the dynamic seen on “The White Lotus,” it’s also important to celebrate each other’s wins instead of looking at each other as competition. “Be open, honest, and avoid talking behind each other’s backs,” Leid adds. If you feel like you could be the person left out of group chats or not being invited to certain events, know that you may have outgrown that friendship – and that’s OK. “Friendships should feel natural, not like a constant struggle to earn your place,” Leid says.
That said, your two friends may not intentionally be leaving you out. The best thing you can do is communicate how you feel. If they’re your friends, they’ll avoid making you feel left out in the future. “But if the pattern of exclusion continues, consider whether the friendship is healthy and nurturing,” Sepah says. If this is the case, it may be in your best interest to broaden your circle and meet new people.
At the end of the day, three-person friendships can absolutely be healthy when there’s respect involved. But if you find yourself passive aggressively competing about who had the better physical assessment on your vacation, I’m not sure your three-person friendship is looking too good.
Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.
