Dear Michelle,
Is swinging sustainable for couples with sexual problems or mismatched libido?
– Swing Curious
Dear Swing Curious,
So, your sex life is feeling . . . uninspired? If you’ve tried everything – lingerie, roleplay, those TikTok “spicy dice” – and now you’re eyeing the swingers’ scene like it’s the last stop on your sexual bucket list, hold that thought.
I have long said that there are a lot of people in non-monogamous relationships – they just don’t know it. But the difference between intentional ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) and accidental infidelity? Consent and communication. Before you RSVP to that key party, let’s talk about what you’re really signing up for.
Swinging Through the Ages: It’s Not Just a TikTok Trend
Think nonmonogamy is a Gen Z invention, born from the chaos of dating apps? Please. Humans have been swapping partners since the dawn of time. From ancient Roman orgies to the elites of the 19th century hitting up the Hellfire Club and secret swinging societies to the free love and sexual revolution movement of the 1960s and ’70s, swinging has always evolved with cultural shifts.
The ’70s, in particular, proved to be sensational for swinging. Aside from the medical advancements of birth control and improvements on STI treatment, the free love cultural climate opened the door for wide acceptance. That translated into the expansion of dedicated clubs and wild key parties before conservative politics and the AIDS crisis sent it underground in the ’80s. Fast forward to today, and the digital age has resurrected swinging in a world wide web kind of way – the internet, with forums, apps, and private communities has made it easier than ever to connect with like-minded couples.
And guess what? You’re not alone in your curiosity. Statistics show 1 in 9 US adults has explored polyamory. So, if the thought has crossed your mind, you’re in good company.
But curiosity alone isn’t enough to make this work.
Can Swinging Fix a Mismatched Libido?
Short answer? Nope.
Just remember: if only one of you is swinging, it’s not really swinging.
If you and your partner are already struggling with communication, trust, or mismatched desire, swinging isn’t a magic cure – it might even make things worse. Watching your partner have the time of their life while you’re sitting there feeling like an afterthought? That’s not sexual liberation; that’s a front-row seat to your own heartbreak.
I know the fun Sia sang about – swinging from chandeliers, both as the unicorn and the partnered power player – but let me tell you, the vibes don’t always vibe. It takes work. A lot of work.
Studies show that swinging works best for couples who communicate openly, trust each other completely, and see non-monogamy as an enhancement, not a repair job. And while those are the major factors, there’s a whole library of research on what makes ENM thrive – way more than we can unpack in one article.
Bottom line? If you’re hoping a guest star in the bedroom will reignite your sex life or fix deeper relationship issues, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But if your relationship is already rock solid and you both genuinely want to explore? Now, that’s a different story. Let’s set you up for success.
How to Swing Without Crashing
Do a gut check: Are you both equally excited, or is one of you just going along to avoid conflict? Enthusiastic consent is key. If you can’t openly talk about your wants, needs, and fears now, imagine how much harder it’ll be when you’re in the middle of the action.
Enthusiastic consent is key.
Define your boundaries: After your gut check, it’s time for a no-holds-barred conversation with your partner about personal limits – yours and theirs. In a previous article, I referenced the “Will, Won’t, Want” survey, and trust me, this tool is a game-changer. It helps you get crystal clear on what’s an absolute no, what’s a hell yes, and what falls into the “maybe, but let’s discuss first” category because the last thing you want is to figure out a hard limit mid-thrust.
What’s a hard no? What’s a maybe? What excites you? Boundaries aren’t just about physical acts; emotional nonnegotiables matter, too. Maybe kissing is okay, but emotional intimacy isn’t. Perhaps sex is fine, but sleepovers are off the table. Spell it out.
Prioritize safe sex: Nothing kills the vibe faster than an unexpected health scare. Have a plan, get tested regularly, and be upfront about protection. Transparency isn’t optional – it’s essential.
Establish an exit strategy: What happens if things get awkward? If someone gets jealous? If an unexpected emotion pops up? Have a safe word, a non-verbal signal, or a pre-planned escape route. Having a contingency plan doesn’t mean you’ll use it – it just means you’re prepared.
Schedule regular check-ins: Swinging isn’t a one-and-done situation. Like a new job has a 90-day review, your swinging adventure should come with regular relationship check-ins. Are you both still enjoying it? Are there any lingering feelings that need to be addressed? Keeping the conversation open ensures this stays a positive experience.
No one wants to swing in like a wrecking ball, only to crash out before you cum. Preparation, honesty, and emotional awareness are the “what” that separates a fun, fulfilling experience from an absolute disaster.
It’s the Morning After, So What Now?
No matter how confident you feel going in, how you handle the “morning after” is just as important as the experience itself. Was it exhilarating? Awkward? Did something unexpected come up? Ignoring emotions in the hopes they’ll magically resolve themselves is a fast track to tension.
The goal is ensuring both partners feel safe, heard, and valued. What works in theory might feel different in practice, and that’s okay.
So, my final verdict: swinging isn’t a universal solution to mismatched libidos or relationship struggles. If one of you is craving more sex while the other is feeling pressure to perform, the deeper issue isn’t going to be solved by introducing new partners.
However, if you’re both genuinely excited about the experience, trust each other completely, and have top-tier communication skills, swinging can be an exciting way to explore new experiences together.
Just remember: if only one of you is swinging, it’s not really swinging. That’s just one person having a great time while the other sulks in sweatpants, questioning their life choices.
Before you jump in, make sure your relationship is strong enough to handle the adventure. And if you’re looking for ways to revive your bedroom energy without swinging from the chandeliers? Let’s talk. I promise, there are plenty of ways to get that fire burning again – no guest list required.
Love & Lube,
Michelle
Michelle Hope (she/they) is your go-to maven for all things sex, love, and modern relationships. A sexologist, author, and advocate for reproductive justice and sexual health equity, Michelle infuses her deep knowledge and extensive field experience into every dialogue. Whether breaking down barriers in conversation or pushing the boundaries of social norms, her approach is provocative, enlightening, and never for the faint of heart. Exploring the intersections of identity and desire, Michelle is here to shake up your perspectives, one bold truth at a time. Michelle is a PS Council member.
