High school was a long time ago, but I’ve never forgotten the time I was deceived by someone I considered a friend. One morning, she came over to my locker to complain about a mutual friend. And being the less evolved person than I am now, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to gossip. So, I was surprised when the friend we were gossiping about later confronted me.
My gossip partner had made it seem like I was being a shitty friend and she was just an innocent bystander. That’s when I realized I was dealing with a traitor, not unlike the contestants on “The Traitors.” The show is about a group of contestants who are sequestered in a castle; three are designated as “traitors” whose identity is known to viewers and each other. The remaining contestants are called “faithfuls” and their goal is to unmask and banish the traitors while avoiding eliminations and vying for their share of a cash prize.
In light of the show’s growing popularity, you might be wondering if you could recognize a traitor from a faithful in your own life. In my case, I gossiped behind a friend’s back and was then double-crossed by my gossip partner who revealed what I had told her in confidence. Take it from me: it’s hard to know where we stand with our friends and why we gossip, despite how harmful it is.
Below, relationship experts explain when gossip crosses the line from harmless chitchat to malicious behavior – and how to restore trust when it’s broken.
Experts Featured in This Article
Charlynn Ruan, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group.
Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is the clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.
How Normal Is It to Gossip About Friends?
Gossip is when you exchange personal information about someone who isn’t present. Maybe you complain to your mom about a fight you had with a friend, or you’re commiserating with people because your friend got back together with their cheating ex. The latter wouldn’t count as gossip if your concerns are accompanied by an action, says psychologist Charlynn Ruan, PhD. For example, you might solicit advice from others and reach out to your friend with support.
Whether it’s between friends or family members, “gossip is extremely common and happens through all stages of life,” Dr. Ruan says. “When you get to a certain level of maturity and integrity, you become a vault to your friends’ information.”
In an ideal world, rather than gossiping, we would resolve issues by speaking to the person directly. “Unfortunately, it’s much easier to spew out negativity instead of taking in the moment or saying, I enjoy spending time with you,” says mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC.
In fact, a 2021 study in Human Nature found that people with weaker ties to their friend group are more likely to spread negative gossip or be the target of it. They also found that being strongly connected to friends is associated with spreading positive gossip, which can also be problematic. For example, if you let it slip that your friend is pregnant or engaged before they announce it, you’re taking away their ability to share information at their discretion.
Why Is Gossip So Harmful?
Typically, there are three parties involved in gossip: the gossiper, the listener, and the target. If a friend discovers they’re being gossiped about, their trust is harmed because they won’t feel comfortable sharing with you again, Dr. Ruan says. Both the listener and gossiper might lose trust in each other, knowing they participate in gossip. “So, everybody in that dynamic loses faith in each other,” she adds.
Gossiping about negative experiences like having a bad teacher or manager can help you feel less alone. But this feeling can be short-lived because the “bonds you make over a common enemy tend to break down quickly,” Dr. Ruan says. Gossip can be especially harmful when it spreads falsehoods or ruins someone’s reputation, Paruolo adds.
Even if the target isn’t aware of gossip, it can still be harmful. For example, when you gossip about celebrities, “you lose sight of their humanity, and in turn, you lose yours,” Dr. Ruan says. Because you may not relate to their success, you might convince yourself that famous people aren’t hurt by gossip.
Why Do People Gossip . . . and Then Tell You About It?
Sometimes people gossip to avoid direct communication or deflect attention from themselves. Other times, they gossip for entertainment or to keep from being shunned by the group. “Especially with a show like ‘The Traitors,’ gossip can be very intoxicating,” Paruolo says. Dr. Ruan agrees, saying that gossip can feel like a “sugar rush” when you know something other people don’t. “We’re very social animals and enjoy knowing things about each other, otherwise we wouldn’t watch reality TV,” she adds.
“We’re very social animals and enjoy knowing things about each other.”
As with the example I shared from high school, you can get caught gossiping like I did or discover that someone’s been gossiping about you. When a friend informs you that you’ve been the target of gossip, their intention might be to warn you, get ahead of the information coming out, or create a divide between friends. On reality TV, someone has to be the villain, so they might gossip to facilitate a plot line.
“Often, what someone shares with you is a reflection of how they’re feeling internally,” Paruolo says. “There’s nothing beneficial from sharing that so-and-so is speaking about you and I participated too, but I’m not going to let you know.” In situations like this, you might be left wondering why they listened to gossip and if that’s what they think of you too. A well-meaning friend would speak up in your defense and put a stop to gossip.
How to Deal with Gossip
If You’re the Gossiper
Whenever possible, you should apologize and take accountability before getting caught. Be honest with yourself and your friend about why you chose to gossip, Dr. Ruan says. For example, you can say:
- It was wrong of me to say something. Thank you for keeping me accountable.
- I admit I wasn’t thinking about you enough when I said that.
- I did it because it made me feel closer to the person.
- I’m bad at keeping secrets, but I’m working on it.
- I understand if you don’t trust me for a while.
- I promise I will earn your trust back.
Your friend may distance themselves from you and that’s OK. Allow them to be angry without undercutting their feelings.
If You’re the Listener
Addressing gossip might feel uncomfortable, but it can increase your friends’ trust in you. Here’s what you can say to curb gossip:
- I don’t think they would be OK with you sharing this.
- I don’t feel comfortable discussing this without them here.
- It puts me in an awkward position to know something my friend doesn’t know.
- I have a rule that I don’t gossip or listen to it.
- Perhaps it would be best to talk to them about it.
Your friend might be upset or embarrassed for being called out but, Dr. Ruan says, “They’ll probably have more respect for you and think of you as someone who stands by their friends.”
As the Target
Letting a friend know you’re aware they gossiped about you, and it doesn’t feel good, “isn’t a declaration of war,” Paruolo says. You don’t have to cut off communication with them, but you’ll need to set boundaries.
Let’s say you decide to confront your friend. Seeing how they react and whether they own up to it can help you decide whether to move forward as friends or not. “If gossip becomes so malicious and harmful to your mental health or safety, I’d highly advise not participating in the friendship,” Paruolo adds.
The Bottom Line
Accepting that gossip happens doesn’t mean you approve of it or will allow it to shape your friendship dynamics, Paruolo says. If you’re not sure whether something is a secret, ask the person if it’s OK to tell people. And if you’re not comfortable keeping secrets, let them know upfront, Dr. Ruan says.
If a conversation veers toward gossip, you can pivot by saying, “I’ve had a similar experience with this person, and here’s what helped me.” That way, you’re encouraging them to take action. Another way to avoid gossip is channeling that energy into fun activities like taking a pottery class with a friend, starting a book club, or going for walks together.
“Ultimately, in friendships, you don’t want to feel like you have to watch your back,” Paruolo says. Relationships based on trust and vulnerability provide a more solid foundation than bonding over your mutual dislike of something or someone. And if you need to dish, she suggests taking a page from reality shows and imagining what you would say in the confessional booth rather than spreading gossip.
Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master’s degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.
