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My husband and I began our relationship by hooking up whenever, wherever we could. On our first date, he fingered me at a stop sign. On the second, we had sex in a bar’s storage closet. And by the third, we had fooled around in a department store changing room. In other words, we couldn’t go a day without touching each other.
But a decade and three kids later, that passion had, predictably, stalled out. Finding time for conversations outside of children, finances, or the household calendar was tough, and addressing our relationship and intimacy felt awkward. We tried discussing the drought in therapy, but talking about our sex life together with a therapist proved to be more challenging and uncomfortable than we had anticipated.
After multiple bouts of therapy and endless heart-to-heart conversations with my husband, it was obvious how much we needed to give a hard reset to our relationship and find each other again. Realizing the need for dramatic change, I initiated an experiment.
I decided I would try to seduce him every day until there was a shift in our relationship – not because Google or a professional told me to, but because I longed for the days of not being able to let my husband leave the house with touching me. There was still a desire within me, and I was on a mission to find it.
On the first day of the experiment, I tried to be subtle about my attempts. I gave him gentle touches here and there, and I also held long, intense eye contact with him whenever I could. But unfortunately, amid his busy and multitasking mind, he didn’t recognize these as bids for affection. It dawned on me that relying on subtlety wouldn’t work. What would work? Communicating my desires directly by either taking matters into my own hands or expressing them clearly. So, that’s precisely what I did.
After a quick pep-talk, I walked into the kitchen naked and grabbed my husband’s dick over his pants. His initial response was shock, then immediate, enthusiastic reciprocation. He grabbed the back of my neck, interlacing his fingers into my hair, and pulled my head slightly back. In one swift and fluid movement, his fingers found their way inside me before bending me over the kitchen counter. We didn’t even kiss.
I turned back around, and pushed him to a nearby couch, straddling him. I was fully immersed in the moment, leaving no room to dwell on the long-standing insecurities about my mid-30s body that had undergone dramatic changes from birthing three babies.
I rode reverse cowgirl and yelled at him to pull my hair again. In this moment, we weren’t husband and wife – we were two people f*cking. It was fast, it was rough, and it was exactly what I had been craving. Afterward, we smiled at each other like we hadn’t in a long time. And I thought, “oh, he doesn’t know what’s coming next.”
“In this moment, we weren’t husband and wife – we were two people f*cking. It was fast, it was rough, and it was exactly what I had been craving.
The following morning, before the baby was awake and while the older kids were downstairs eating breakfast, I jumped into his shower.
“Let me help you,” I whispered.
Beginning the day like this made it almost impossible to have a bad one. We experienced an astonishing, nearly instant transformation in our moods and the overall atmosphere of our home. It was difficult to believe that spontaneous moments of intimacy could have such an immediate and profound effect on us.
Later in the week, on nights when we were both really tired, we got creative with the usual missionary position, making the most of our limited time together. Before long, sex with my husband wasn’t just another task on my list – I genuinely began to desire him again. I started having fantasies and dreams about us, often waking up ready for more.
“What’s come over you?” he asked around the end of the first week.
“Remember when we couldn’t go a day without touching each other? I want that back,” I replied.
Suddenly, he was suggesting things he’d never mentioned before like role-play, buying new couples’ sex toys to explore, and talking in depth about his fantasies. We rediscovered our unspoken language, letting moments of knowing eye contact lead to a make out session in the laundry room or a blowjob in the bathroom. We didn’t have penetrative sex every day, but that wasn’t the point; the goal was any kind of physical connection that kept us wanting each other. We even began sexting each other, like horny teens.
As the experiment went on, it became more natural for us to discuss our desires. This newfound openness also spilled over into our everyday conversations, making us less prone to misunderstanding, assumptions, and criticism. Simple gestures like a hand on the back or exchanging a hug took on a different, more significant meaning. By the end of the month, we decided to make initiating sex a team project. We took turns surprising one another and laughed at the times we were interrupted by our kids yelling in the other room.
Now a year after the little “experiment,” my relationship with my husband has entered a significantly healthier and more open space. Yes, we are still in therapy, and yes, we still have disagreements about household chores and parenting choices. However, ensuring that we sustain emotional and physical connection through an active and enthusiastic sex life, in whatever form that may take, is an aspect I won’t ever underestimate again. The frequent orgasms are pretty nice, too.
