You’ve probably been there: innocently Googling someone you’re about to meet for the first time and falling down a rabbit hole of full-on sleuthing. Before you’ve even met in person, you’ve uncovered their high school football stats, the price their childhood home sold for in 2012, and naked baby photos from their mom’s Facebook.
Almost everyone has a digital footprint attached to their name, and it’s become increasingly easier to research someone before a date. “There’s something sweet and innocent about the nostalgia of true blind dates and going in with no information, but this is the world we live in today,” says relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein, LCSW. “There can be more positives than negatives to finding information, but you need to still go in with an open mind and not judge.”
Some details can be comforting early on, but others might be crossing boundaries. “When you find yourself gravitating way too far away from where you started, that’s probably a sign you’re doing a little too much research,” says relationship expert Betsy Chung, PsyD.
If you’re wondering where to draw the line, read on for expert advice on how much pre-date research you should do before meeting someone new.
Experts Featured in This Article
Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, is a licensed relationship therapist and author of “MAN*ifesting.”
Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert based in Newport Beach, California.
What Are the Benefits of Pre-Date Research?
Both experts establish that safety is always the priority. Dating apps and experts have long encouraged safety measures before taking it face-to-face with a match, with the general recommendations of meeting in a public space and sharing your location with a friend. But if a simple Google search would make you feel more comfortable, there’s no harm in some extra due diligence – most of the time.
Having mutual friends can also be advantageous for researching someone, as it offers additional reassurance and context. If someone has known the person since childhood, they might provide insight into whether the profile accurately reflects their true self.
It’s sometimes OK for an outside opinion to hold weight, such as a trusted best friend telling you that someone they grew up with was constantly getting in trouble with the law or mistreating their partners. But if the opinion is related to physical appearance or personality, it’s important to remember that everybody’s opinions are subjective.
“We want to make sure that we aren’t allowing ourselves to make decisions purely based on what somebody else is saying about someone,” Dr. Chung says. And Bronstein agrees: “Dating is all about trusting yourself and your intuition. What your best friend feels or thinks doesn’t always matter. You are the only expert of you.”
Bronstein adds that even if the deep dive of researching tells you they are entirely your type on paper, you’ll only truly know once you meet them in person. “Take the information with a grain of salt because whether it’s positive or negative, the in-person chemistry, energy, and personality is going to be what really determines how you feel.”
What Information Is Valuable Before Meeting Someone?
If you’re someone who tends to be influenced by negative information, Bronstein suggests “holding back on doing any major research.” However, if you can remain mostly neutral, a few key details – beyond basics like name and age – might be helpful to know before meeting someone.
What Is Their Relationship Status?
Although it may seem obvious, you never know if someone on a dating app is truly available. You might suspect the divorce they mentioned over chat isn’t finalized, or perhaps your mutual friend saw them out with their high school sweetheart last week. “If you feel like they aren’t being honest about their relationship status, that’s valuable information to try and find out,” Bronstein says.
What Are Their Intentions?
If you’re searching for a long-term relationship, and a match is giving you “player vibes,” Bronstein says it could be beneficial to establish their intentions early on. “If a guy is messaging too sexual things, too fast, that might be a red flag.” The good news: this shouldn’t require much research. Some people have their dating intentions listed in their profile, but you could also directly ask them before taking it face-to-face.
And Dr. Chung agrees: “If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, being clear about that before a date helps you not waste time with someone who might just want to get in your pants.”
Do They Clash With Any of Your Non-Negotiables?
Lastly, if you have a few non-negotiables or dating dealbreakers, establishing them before you spend a few hours on a date could save you time. For instance, maybe you only want to date people of the same religion or those with similar political beliefs. Bronstein says glancing at someone’s social media might quickly point out obvious incompatibilities.
What Are the Downsides of Too Much Research?
You Might Show Up Inauthentically
According to Bronstein, if you do a deep dive into research and begin to feel insecure about what you find (e.g. photos of an ex-partner, the mansion they grew up in, etc.), you may show up inauthentically to fit into their lifestyle.
Similarly, you don’t want to take on the dating persona of a chameleon – “always altering who you are, or what you like, to be accepted by the one you want to love you,” Bronstein explains. For example, if your date likes country music and you hate it, don’t suddenly become Morgan Wallen’s biggest fan.
It Can Create Unrealistic Expectations
Doing too much research can create false narratives and lead to unrealistic expectations. (If you’ve ever begun mentally planning your wedding with someone or picturing what your babies would look like before meeting them, I’m looking at you!)
If they seem to check every box on paper based on your research, “you might feel disappointed if either it doesn’t work out because the person is not into you, or if you’re not into the person,” Bronstein says. It’s best to go in with no expectations and an open mind. That way, “if it turns out well, you’re surprised, and if it doesn’t turn out well, you’re not disappointed,” she adds.
We Begin to Make Assumptions
Dr. Chung emphasizes that nobody’s online presence tells a full story of who they are. “But as humans, that doesn’t keep us from filling in those blanks for ourselves,” she says. “We tend to make associations or assumptions based on what we see.” For example, you may automatically draw assumptions about their social class or success based on the car they drive or how they dress.
Ultimately, It’s Not Very Respectful
We don’t need to know everything about someone immediately, Dr. Chung explains. “We want to give the people we go on dates with the respect to decide what information they want to share with us,” she says. As you get to know someone, they may feel more comfortable sharing parts of themselves.
And besides, people evolve. Doing a deep dive into someone’s old social media posts isn’t an accurate reflection of who they are today. “You’re not dating their past, you’re dating the person that is in front of you,” Dr. Chung says. “Anything you want to know about their past, you can ask them yourself.”
Jordana Comiter is a Florida-based freelance writer who loves writing about entertainment, wellness, and dating trends. Her work has appeared in PS, Women’s Health, People, and Business Insider, among others. She is a proud graduate of Tulane University and Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism.
