Hannah’s journey began following a breakup. After she and her partner of three years called it quits in 2018, the 30-year-old school teacher vowed to never sacrifice her needs again. But she didn’t do so by creating an ultimatum or adding what she wanted out of a new relationship in her dating-app bio. She simply created a relationship contract.
“I just wrote down [my needs] for myself,” she tells PS. Then, when she met her now partner in 2021, she handed over the list, which included everything from getting nerdy about her hobbies and being able to vent her anxieties to swapping hungover Sundays for a more fulfilling bike ride or yoga class. “He saw it and joked about signing it,” says Hannah. “And then we were both like, ‘Wait. Great idea.'”
The idea of a dating contract has been all over social media, with 46.8 million posts about “relationship contracts” on TikTok currently. And though it may sound like it’s doing too much, a relationship contract is really just a way to set clear boundaries and expectations. (No legal jargon here).
Of course, relationship contracts might not be for everyone, but for those like Hannah, they brought intentionality back into her dating life by boosting communication and accountability. “Plus, they’re not as serious as they sound. We consider our dating contract fun,” she says.
Experts Featured in This Article
Molly Burrets, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist.
What Is a Relationship Contract?
According to licensed clinical psychologist Molly Burrets, PhD, a relationship contract is a “non-legally binding, mutual agreement between people in a romantic relationship that outlines the parameters each partner agrees to uphold during their relationship.”
People may have a relationship contract for the same reasons they choose to have contracts to manage their financial commitments: they help partners establish clear expectations, properly define boundaries, create a sense of accountability, and, ideally, help prevent or minimize conflict.
“Someone may be more likely to benefit from a relationship contract if they have specific needs, like a history of trauma or a desire for nontraditional or non-monogamous relationships,” Dr. Burrets tells PS.
For Jade, a 28-year-old Oregon resident, a relationship contract was beneficial when defining the parameters around her open relationship with her partner. “My partner had been in one polyamorous relationship before me but never were purely open,” Jade tells PS. “A relationship agreement made it easier to lay our terms out for trying something new, and it couldn’t have been more beneficial.”
She adds that they’ll reference the contract when they are upset about something or want to check in about how they’re feeling. “We’re always amending it too.” Items are always getting added, she says. “It’s a living, breathing document for us both.”
What’s in a Relationship Contract?
These contracts cover it all: political views, living arrangements, and even how many date nights are needed to keep the relationship strong. But relationship contracts are incredibly personal, so what works for Hannah might not be the same for Jade or for you and your bestie.
“Typical topics in a dating contract include expectations around behaviors, fidelity or exclusivity agreements, relationship goals, conflict resolution plans, shared responsibilities, communication guidelines, and boundaries on important issues like physical intimacy or interactions with friends and family,” Dr. Burrets says.
She also emphasizes that one of the most crucial parts of a relationship contract is outlining deal breakers – those nonnegotiables that, if crossed, could end the relationship. That’s why Hannah made sure they both had their own contracts.
After showing her boyfriend her relationship contract, he created his own. “It was super important to do ours separately,” Hannah tells PS. “This way, our nonnegotiables were genuinely personal and not influenced by each other.” She adds that it helped them identify their individual needs more clearly.
“Relationships are inherently contractual, whether you say it or write it down. We just happened to put ours in writing.”
The Pros and Cons of a Relationship Contract
According to Dr. Burrets, the most important benefit of a relationship contract is that it covers topics that some couples may fail to address when they initiate a relationship. “If this effort is successful, a dating contract can yield other successful outcomes, like more clarity and fewer misunderstandings,” she tells PS.
But while there are plenty of benefits to having a contractual agreement – even if it’s printed off from TikTok or scribbled in an old journal – one or both partners might see the need for a contract as a sign of distrust or insecurity. The contract could also feel too stifling or rigid for some people. “This can inhibit the organic growth process in a relationship or limit the spontaneity in an otherwise exciting and dynamic time,” Dr. Burrets says.
However, Hannah disagrees. Each month, she sits down with her partner to discuss their relationship contacts, what made them happy, and what they could improve next month. “It’s one of our favorite date nights,” she says.
Is a Relationship Contract Right For You?
Dr. Burrets shares that a relationship contract can be a game-changer for setting clear boundaries, especially if one or both partners have specific needs or are in non-monogamous relationships like Jade’s. It’s also a smart move if you’re dealing with past traumas, anxiety, or an anxious attachment style in general. “The most common reason to initiate a dating contract is because a person has had past negative experiences in relationships due to misunderstandings or unmet expectations,” Dr. Burrets says.
But it should be known that, like any relationship, not every contract survives. Allie, a 25-year-old from Cincinnati, says she tried out a relationship contract, but the relationship failed. However, in her words, the contract “made the breakup much easier.” Their relationship contract covered everything from the early days of dating to how things should be handled if they broke up.
Fortunately, they’re still friends, for which she thanks the dating contract for. “It’s not something people want to think about, but we were being realistic,” Allie says. “Relationships are inherently ‘contractual,’ whether you say it or write it down. We just happened to put ours in writing.”
Morgan Sullivan is a Philadelphia-based freelance writer covering everything from health and relationships to fashion and beauty. Her work can also be seen in The Cut, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and more.
