Yay – you’ve landed a date as a WLW woman! But even though you’re excited, you can’t shake the fear that you’ll end up friends instead of something more. Sigh. Welcome to the world of sapphic dating. As if being a WLW (woman-loving woman) wasn’t already challenging enough, sometimes there’s also the tricky task of avoiding bestie vibes and making it clear that your date is indeed a date.
If you’ve ever felt the shift from romantic to friendship, or never found yourself making it to romantic vibes at all, you know just how exhausting WLW dating can be. Great, another friend, but what you’re really looking for is something more.
Chances are, you’ve spent plenty of time building friendships over the years, but when it comes to flirting (with women), that’s a whole different story and not something anyone really teaches. The great news is there are no hard-and-fast dating rules – no traditional gender expectations and things you “should do.” But on the other hand, that might leave you guideless; panic might set in and that is totally normal.
Content creator Lauren Payton recently posted a video on this very dilemma captioned, “How to avoid bestie vibes on a date with a girl.” The comments were filled with people sharing the same struggles and offering up their own advice ranging from “don’t go to the bathroom together” to “it’s all in the body language,” with one person joking, “Bold of you to assume I even managed to ask her out in the first place.”
Payton says queer women can form incredibly close relationships with each other as they have a lot of shared experience navigating the world, thus blurring the lines of romance and friendship. She tells PS, “When you’re able to form this very deep connection with each other, and you’re able to be physically and romantically attracted to each other, there’s bound to be a bit of blurring on occasion. Not always! But sometimes.”
Below, we’ve got expert-backed tips on how to avoid entering the friend zone on a WLW date.
Experts Featured in This Article
Lauren Payton is a content creator and actor behind “Pain in the Neck,” a WLW vampire rom-com web series.
Angelika Koch is a certified relationship coach, life coach, and meditation instructor. She is also a relationship expert for Taimi, an LGBTQ+ dating app.
How to Avoid Bestie Vibes on a WLW Date
Treat Her Like a Person
This may sound incredibly obvious, but that’s because we’re not necessarily talking about just respecting someone (which, yes, of course you should also do). Instead, we mean to treat your date like a human, not a “cute little thing.” Payton says, “Make sure that you’re treating your date like a human adult, not like a little dog; don’t pitch up your voice during a compliment, and don’t fawn over her excessively.”
There is a notion for many women, especially younger generations, that by making a move, you come across like a “creepy man,” Payton says. But, she adds, “You are not a creepy man. You never have been. You never will be. Talk to any WLW, and you’ll know she would love for a woman to flirt with her. Even if it doesn’t work out, a woman flirting with someone and a man flirting with someone is a different experience.”
The goal is to form an actual human connection and learn more about who you’re on the date with, so make sure to actively listen and engage.
Don’t Be a Yes-Man
Payton advises against being a yes-man. In other words, don’t just gush at everything she says – have your own opinions and push back politely. It becomes difficult to keep the conversation moving forward if you agree with everything she says just in order to avoid any potential disagreement.
Payton notes that if you do genuinely agree on something, you can always provide more context as to why. “Agree and add on,” she says. “Move the conversation along. Improv is for everyone!”
Be as Intentional as Possible
Many WLW second guess when they’re actually being flirted with, so being direct is important. If you are looking for a genuine partnership or something specific, be upfront and honest about it. Sure, saying is way easier than doing, but unfortunately, even women can’t read your mind. Beating around the bush may just be how you end up in the friend zone.
“Many women might misread this as wanting a friendship rather than something more. Let them know that you find them attractive and would like to get to know them better on the next date,” says relationship coach Angelika Koch. “While you are on the date, make sure to be as obvious as possible with your flirtations. Avoid using platonic words like ‘pretty’ or ‘kind.’ Instead, use flirtatious words like ‘attractive,’ ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ ‘cute,’ and ‘sweet.'”
Compliment Who They Are, Not What They’re Wearing
Moving past clothing or visual compliments is important in avoiding bestie vibes during a WLW date. Payton notes how important it is to compliment who they are as a person: “Don’t pitch up your voice during a compliment! Keep it as neutral as you can. A well-toned compliment with some eye contact can do wonders. And if you’re nervous, use it! Imagine a woman talking to you, saying, ‘You’re making me nervous. I just think you’re so gorgeous.'”
Don’t Be Shy About Physical Touch (Respectfully)
You usually don’t touch your friends too much while you’re out to dinner – we’re talking the kind of lustrous touch that leaves you wanting more. Feel free to be obvious about it, as the entire goal here isn’t to just gain another friend. “Reach out to touch her hand or adjust a strand of hair for her while making eye contact,” Koch says. “It’s refreshing to be direct because it allows no room for question and lets the woman know your intentions.”
For those anxious about being straight up, there’s no harm in just outright asking if you can make a move. “If you want to make a move on her, but there’s a little voice in the back of your head giving you doubt, you can always ask her directly,” Payton says. “There’s something very heart-fluttering about, ‘Can I hold your hand?’ ‘Can I kiss you?’ ‘Is this OK?'”
What Not to Do on a WLW Date
When it comes down to it, forming an actual relationship as a WLW takes time. If you find yourself at the end of a date, not sure where you’re interested in taking it, there are a few phrases to avoid, like, according to Koch, “Let’s hang out again” or “I love hanging out with you.” Koch adds, “This gives off the impression that you are with a friend and not someone you might be considering for a potential partner.”
The Bottom Line
If you think about what you’d want to feel or experience on a date – how you would like to be treated or what you’d like someone to say – maybe try some of those out. You want her to feel like she is the only one you’re currently thinking about. Start being clear, intentional, and avoiding the yes-man mentality. Second date, here we come.
Jillian Angelini (she/her) is a sexual wellness and lifestyle journalist with words in PS, Bustle, Betches, MindBodyGreen, and more. She runs the queer advice column “The B Spot” on Betches.com and specifically enjoys writing about sex, relationships, and anything involving the queer experience.
