Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, but knowing how to break up with someone may be even harder. While many would agree it’s important to be honest and direct, it’s just as important to be compassionate and understanding as your partner processes the emotional stages of the breakup.
If you want to know how to break up with someone you love and possibly live with, there’s unfortunately no exact script that works for every situation. To help you navigate these challenges, PS spoke to relationship experts to learn everything you need to know about breakups – including how to break up with someone and how to cope with that breakup once you do.
Trust that while breakups can be messy, they’re almost always an opportunity for personal growth, self-reflection, and maybe even a new post-breakup read too.
How to Break Up With Someone
If you’ve decided to break up with your partner, the first step is to try to find some peace with the decision. “Avoid breaking up when you’re in an emotionally reactive frame of mind,” Lisa Bahar, LMFT, owner of Lisa Bahar Marriage and Family Therapy, tells PS. That may seem like a tall order – you’re breaking up with someone, after all! But finding neutrality before you start the conversation will help reassure you you’re making the right choice and will make it easier to stick to healthy communication techniques.
Once you feel settled, spend a few minutes considering your reasons for breaking up: a lack of chemistry or common interests, a misalignment in values or long-term goals, a loss of trust or respect, etc. Then practice what you want to say, striving to be open and honest without being overly hurtful.
“Have the conversation with yourself first as a test run,” clinical psychologist Kristen Casey, PsyD, says. “Looking in the mirror and talking to yourself about how you might word things can be helpful as a rehearsal.”
Then start the conversation. It’s best to have an in-person convo where you can meet face to face – preferably in a neutral location – but depending on your relationship, you may find that initiating the breakup over text is OK too, Dr. Casey says. Simply repeat your script you had rehearsed, resisting the urge to overexplain yourself.
Understand that your partner may have questions or exhibit emotions ranging from anger to sadness to confusion. If you feel comfortable doing so, it can be helpful to hear your partner out and process the breakup with them in those few moments afterward. For a lot of people, this is the closure that they need in order to move on.
There is an exception to this strategy, Dr. Casey says. If you feel like your safety is at risk, it’s important to plan the breakup more thoroughly. For those who are in an abusive relationship or those who have partners who display characteristics and traits of domestic violence, it’s imperative to create a breakup plan that protects your well-being above all else.
According to the national nonprofit One Love Foundation, safety measures for breaking up with an abusive partner include identifying and leaning on your support system before, during, and after a breakup; allowing friends, family, or another trusted adult know you’re breaking up with your partner; and breaking up virtually if you don’t feel safe or, if it’s in person, breaking up in a public place. If you can, enlist the help of a professional or have a person from your support system close by. Remember that protecting your physical and emotional safety is the most important thing.
How to Break Up With Someone You Love
It’s tough to leave your partner when you still love them. But just because you love or are in a healthy relationship with someone doesn’t mean there are issues that love alone can fix. “Maybe you love the person, but there’s unresolved financial stress or communication issues that cannot be worked on,” Dr. Casey says.
In these cases, just going through with the breakup can be tough, even when you know it’s the right choice. So if you’re wavering, enlist loved ones to provide their thoughts and opinions about your relationship to remind you why you’re breaking up with your partner in the first place, Dr. Casey suggests. “Maybe they’ve seen things that we’ve overlooked, and they can also help us remember the reasons why we should break up.” Though it may be hard to hear what they have to say, they likely have a perspective on the situation that you do not.
Creating a list is also a beneficial tool for helping you go through with a breakup with someone you still have feelings for, Dr. Casey says. Imagine what you’d gain and what you’d lose by ending the relationship. It’s also helpful to note what attributes and dispositional traits you want in a partner and compare whether those characteristics align with the person you’re currently with. Finally, ask yourself, how would your life look if you stayed with your partner?
When it comes to actually breaking up with a partner you still love, allow the principles of love – respect, friendship, care, and consideration – to guide the way you communicate and react throughout the breakup process. “If you’re breaking up with someone you love and care for, pull from those elements that go along with love, and that will drive your response on how to break up and how to care for your partner as you go through the breakup,” Bahar says.
In other words, be respectful, caring, and considerate when breaking up with this partner. Show them the love that you would receive in return, and allow some time to let your partner ask questions and seek closure.
How to Break Up With Someone You Live With
OK, so you want to break up with your partner, but you’re still sharing an internet password, a utility bill, and a bed. “If you are considering breaking up with someone you live with, it’s important to have a plan before you break up,” Dr. Casey advises.
Find new living arrangements and work out any financial issues prior to breaking up. In your planning phase, Dr. Casey also encourages people who are breaking up with someone they live with to consider factors like, if you have a pet, what coparenting that pet post-breakup will look like, and also working out lease agreements.
Once you’ve thought ahead and squared away most of these details, you can initiate the break up. The breakup conversation will look a lot like a regular one, but also be sure to talk with your partner about your post-breakup plan and how you two will navigate what you previously had tied together.
Regardless of how you break up with someone, it’s likely that you’ll feel grief, especially right after a split. “It is normal for people to feel sad, relieved, or angry after a breakup,” Dr. Casey says – no matter which side of the breakup you were on. Honor those emotions, and allow yourself to feel them while redirecting the focus back onto you as an individual. Dr. Casey encourages those who are dealing with a breakup to spend time with friends and do things that involve a lot of self-care, whether that’s a spa day or reading a good book.
Ultimately, as you navigate the end of a relationship, you’ll want to reinvest time into yourself by doing things that you love and know will make you happy. While it’s healthy to have sad days to grieve the relationship, you should also be prioritizing what you need in order to find closure in that relationship. For some people, it could be the gym, and for others, it could be signing up for a painting class.
Give the breakup some time, and before you know it, you’ll feel much, much better. For additional tips, check out PS’s guide on how to get over a breakup, according to experts.
– Additional reporting by Taylor Andrews
Taylor Plumstead is a POPSUGAR contributor.
Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at POPSUGAR who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more. In her six years working in editorial, she’s written about how semen is digested, why sex aftercare is the move, and how the overturn of Roe killed situationships.
