Imagine you’re into someone – like, really, really into them. But the next time you meet up, something feels off. Suddenly, everything they’re saying and doing is, well, outrageously annoying. You cringe at their touch, and all the sexual tension you may have felt at one point is completely nonexistent.
At this point, you’ve become blatantly aware of some quirks you never noticed before – maybe the way their face looks when they’re eating food or the nickname they use for you is making you irrationally angry. Either way, everything they do suddenly seems insufferable. Welcome to “the ick.”
Not to be confused with a red flag or a beige flag, the ick usually happens in the early stages of a relationship before you’ve developed a bond strong enough to help you overlook someone’s flaws and imperfections. The term has gained popularity on TikTok, but it was first coined by Ally in the TV show “Ally McBeal” and further popularized in a “Sex and the City” episode. It’s become even more mainstream by constant usage on the UK dating show “Love Island.”
So what is there to know about the ick? And is it possible to actually get over the ick? A few experts explain below.
Experts Featured in This Article
Rori Sassoon is a dating expert and the co-owner of matchmaking agency Platinum Poire.
Julianne McGowan is a certified dating coach and the author of “Ignite Love.”
Betsy Chung, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.
What Is the Ick?
When you notice yourself feeling the ick, it’s likely you’re no longer seeing the person you’re dating through rose-colored honeymoon glasses. Dating expert Rori Sassoon says that the ick is a feeling of disgust toward a habit, behavior, or trait that really annoys you about someone. Is it that they refuse to order anything but chicken tendies at a restaurant? Or is it their snort laugh that you somehow can’t justify as sexy? The ick can surface in various forms, but the reaction is generally a non-existent libido.
The Ick Examples
If you’ve never experienced the ick before, you may not know what exactly this looks like. To help, we’ve curated some common examples of the ick, according to social media. Just remember that icks are very subjective, and what one person may deem an ick may be attractive or completely normal to someone else.
- They trip over something.
- Their butt crack shows in public.
- They chase a ping-pong ball after it falls off the table.
- They sing karaoke unironically.
- They say a joke and no one laughs.
- They use this emoji: 🥺
- They have chapped lips.
- They clap when the plane lands.
- They sing incorrect lyrics to a popular song on the radio.
What to Do If You Have the Ick
It can feel highly disorienting to go from pure infatuation and bliss to repulsion or disgust with someone you’re dating, and it can cause you to question many aspects of the relationship. Is it just the novelty fading, or is there something seriously wrong? Or maybe you weren’t that into them from the start?
The good news: these feelings are actually more common than you might think, and they don’t necessarily mean it’s time to quit your relationship. Instead, they can serve as an opportunity to peel back the layers on your deeper feelings and address any potential triggers that might be manifesting themselves.
“This ick feeling or introspective ‘trigger’ is perhaps a signal that we are out of alignment with our date or partner,” dating coach Julianne McGowan tells PS. “It may be helpful to ask yourself these questions: What might be off? What needs to be nurtured? Where might this feeling be coming from? Am I possibly being reminded of someone else or something from my past?”
On the other hand, though, sometimes the ick really is trying to alert you to a compatibility issue. Once you feel ready to assess your relationship and see what’s causing the ick, take note. If it’s something that can be fixed, like communication styles or conflict resolution, it’s probably worth trying to work on it. If you look deeper into it and the ick you’re feeling is actually indicative of something toxic or unsteady – or if it boils down to differing fundamental values and interests – maybe it’s time to let go and move on.
In other cases though, the ick is just not that deep. It could simply be an indicator that perhaps you’re genuinely just not attracted to the person anymore, and that’s OK. That said, if you get the ick with every person you date, it might be time to do some self-reflecting. Perhaps you’re afraid of committing to a relationship or you fear rejection and intimacy, so you nitpick the people you meet to protect yourself.
How to Get Over the Ick
Though it can be really hard to shake, you can get over of the ick, but it may take some time, patience, and reframing in your mind. If their icky quirk is a small thing you could learn to love, it’ll take some effort to reframe it into something endearing – and maybe it would help to look at the ick as more of a cute quirk that makes them them.
Relationship expert Betsy Chung, PhD, says that those with perfectionist tendencies are most likely to experience the ick, especially if their parents were overly critical about particular traits. To keep the ick from jeopardizing an otherwise good relationship, she suggests asking yourself why you are so impacted by the ick. Look inward and assess why you have a problem with whatever the ick is instead of blaming the person you’re dating for the ick.
Dr. Chung also wants you to lead with compassion. Nobody’s perfect, and being part of any relationship requires learning to accept others’ flaws. Gaining some perspective behind a partner’s flaws can reduce superficial judgment and nurture the compassion necessary to foster interpersonal vulnerability.
That said, if the ick seems to be unshakeable – even after you’ve tried rationalizing your feelings, speaking with a mental health professional, or getting to the root of the problem – trust your intuition. It may be a sign that you’re just not that into them, and that’s OK.
– Additional reporting by Taylor Andrews
Natalia Pérez-Gonzalez is an Afro-Latina journalist who is passionate about stories at the intersection of culture, identity, and health.
Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.
