The holiday season is approaching, and with it comes a moment to focus on joy and connection. For many, it’s one of the only opportunities during the year to take a break from work, spend time with extended family, and connect over food and tradition. But that’s not always the case for people navigating grief.
“It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, [but it] was also the worst time of my life,” Hollie, a 29-year-old living in Florida, tells PS. In December 2013, Hollie’s father passed away suddenly, and the holidays have been complicated since. “It’s one thing to miss a loved one during the holidays, but it’s also the same time of year that my father passed, so I’ve been progressively healing each year.”
Though some think grief gets easier with time, Hollie says the grief actually just changes. “Navigating grief gets more distant as it gets fuller. As I get older, I think of the new traditions I would make with my father,” she says. “We never had a chance to cheers together, or smoke a cigar or gamble in Atlantic City and whatever else Canadians like to do for the holidays with their grown children. I had a complex relationship with my dad, and his death was sudden, so this time of year brings up more questions and more wondering rather than reminiscences of our time together.”
Like Hollie, 28-year-old Katelyn also lost a loved one during the holidays. Katelyn’s grandfather – a no-nonsense man from the West Virginia coalfields – passed away from illness on Christmas Day in 2015, surrounded by Katelyn and her family. “The first couple of holiday seasons after my grandfather’s death were the toughest,” Katelyn says.
Christmas was always a big deal in Katelyn’s family, and the family continued their traditional Christmas Eve party in the following years, “but his absence was an unspoken but palpable presence throughout the gatherings,” she says. “It’s difficult to reckon with a death that you know was anything but peaceful, and in the context of a big family party that is often the only reunion we get every year, it has never seemed like the time to bring up how we’re all navigating our grief.”
Grief can take many different shapes. For Hollie and Katelyn, their grief centers around the loss of a loved one. But grief can also look like mourning estrangement from blood relatives or a religious community, or a complicated family dynamic. It may look like coping with illness, isolation, heartbreak, or sadness for the holidays you wish you could have. But no matter what form your loss takes, there are ways to support your grieving process.
PS spoke to mental health and loss experts about how to best handle grief during the holidays.
Experts Featured in This Article
Maura McInerney-Rowley is a certified death doula and the director of operations at The Lily House, a nonprofit hospice in Wellfleet, MA.
Christa Lei is a community care worker, certified death doula, and writer based in New York.
Approach the Holidays on Your Terms
It’s normal for grief to impact your energy levels and emotional capacity, and you are allowed to engage differently with holiday traditions, events, parties, and dinners.
“Recognize that it’s OK to decline invitations or modify your participation in certain events based on your emotional needs,” says death doula Maura McInerney-Rowley. For example, if you tend to take on hosting or cooking responsibilities during the holidays, you may instead choose to take a step back or opt for a quieter, smaller gathering.
In some cases, you may feel pressured to “play the part” or meet others’ expectations. But don’t be afraid to be honest, even if it may disappoint others. “By setting boundaries and acknowledging your limitations, you create space for healing and ensure that the holiday season is approached with a compassionate understanding of your unique grieving process,” McInerney-Rowley says. Understanding your limits also means investing in caring for yourself, perhaps with a walk by yourself, time for reflection, and self-care, McInerney-Rowley adds.
“Setting my own terms for engaging in holidays, whether through nonparticipation to limit COVID exposure or by playing a more limited role in hosting and preparations, really made a difference for me in terms of keeping some space open for if I need to shed a tear or two to let out pent-up feelings,” Katelyn says.
Focus on Communication
One of the most difficult parts of grief is talking about it – either as the person experiencing the grief or as a loved one wanting to help. “It’s OK to express the challenges you may be facing and to set realistic expectations for yourself,” McInerney-Rowley says. Consider setting expectations by letting others know you may need space or extra breaks or that your sadness is not a reflection on your shared relationship.
You may also decide that you’d like to modify the holidays in honor of a loved one or in recognition of a shared loss. “Consider having a conversation with your loved ones about incorporating your departed family member into holiday festivities in a way that feels comfortable for everyone. This might involve sharing stories, creating a memory jar where everyone contributes their favorite memories, or dedicating a moment of reflection during a holiday meal,” McInerney-Rowley says. Talking about loss can create a sense of collective support and recognition during the holidays.
Katelyn says even small mentions of her grandfather can make a huge difference: “I try to follow [my grandmother’s] example of making small moments for acknowledgement of grief rather than letting it go wholly unspoken as something for the rest of us to think about on our own.”
Create a Physical Space to Grieve
Grief can come on suddenly and feel overwhelming, which is why it can be so helpful to create a physical space or “container” to grieve. Professional death worker Christa Lei says an altar or memorial space can offer an intentional time to honor someone, reflect, and experience your emotions.
Your space can look however you want; it may be religious or not, big or small, in your home or outside. You may choose to add a photograph or possessions of your loved one or a personal memento. “I also have fresh flowers so I can tend to the altar and remind myself that it’s there,” Lei saya. “I like to put plants around it or change up the altar. It doesn’t have to be static. It can be a living, moving work in progress.”
Often, people find comfort in the act of tending an altar space as it creates a space to “drop the feelings off” and have a conversation with your emotions, Lei adds.
Stay Open to New Traditions
Traditions often represent a bittersweet part of loss. They offer the ability to connect with a loved one, but they can also bring along heavy feelings. In her own journey with grief, McInerney-Rowley says that over time, her personal traditions could be transformed into meaningful ways to honor and connect with her mother’s spirit. “Whether creating a unique ornament, lighting a candle in their honor, or sharing stories over cooking one of their favorite dishes, these acts preserve their memory and infuse the season with a sense of continued connection,” she adds. Traditions can be redefined and reincorporated to find solace and connection.
Something similar happened for Hollie, who inherited her father’s holiday decorations. For years, the decorations sat in boxes collecting dust. “I was too afraid to pull them out, too afraid of what emotions a small item like an ornament could stir up. A large part of moving forward was taking that step,” Hollie says. “I encourage anyone struggling with something like this to make that first step. But now that I have them out, it’s a small nod to him each year that makes me feel like he is still part of my holiday traditions and experiences.”
Of course, you don’t have to force yourself into new traditions immediately, especially if the loss is still tender. But by staying open, you experience the way love and traditions can stretch to accommodate grief.
Seek Support
Grief is unique – but also universal. If you are struggling to cope with your grief, or simply want to find solidarity in a community, you may consider seeking extra support.
“Seeking professional help, such as counseling or therapy, can offer a structured space to navigate the complexity of emotions,” McInerney-Rowley says. “Support groups, both online and in person, provide a sense of community, connecting you with others who understand the unpredictable nature of grief.”
Groups like Grieve Leave and Modern Loss offer resources and communities for many different kinds of loss. For folks in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, Lei recommends The Dinner Party, which offers a mix of virtual meetings and more formal 1:1 pairings. Finally, Lei also recommends connecting books and personal stories, like Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking” and Michelle Zauner’s “Crying in H Mart.“
“My advice for anyone navigating grief during the holidays is that you’re not alone, and the worst thing you can do when you are sad is try not to be sad,” McInerney-Rowley says. “I say embrace your grief, lean into it, and see what it offers.”
Sara Youngblood Gregory was a contributing staff writer for PS Wellness. She covers sex, kink, disability, pleasure, and wellness. Her work has been featured in Vice, HuffPost, Bustle, DAME, The Rumpus, Jezebel, and many others.
