Modern dating is as easy as ice skating in a desert. It can feel both over and underwhelming because of the various apps we use and the evolving ways we connect with our matches. Even if you get a lot of matches on your profile (like yours truly – wink), the connection only seems to last for a little while whether it be due to mismatched dating priorities, lack of connection, or good old ghosting. To purportedly help combat that, The Feels has presented itself as an authentic alternative for all the romantics out there looking for the one.
I accidentally discovered The Feels through an Instagram ad for their upcoming sapphic event, described as a “conscious dating event for all in search of deeper connection & sapphic love.” A little ambiguous, but promising to a sappy romantic who’s looking for their match, and I couldn’t help but think, “What else am I doing?” So I bought a ticket, which put me back $85 – more than I’ve ever spent on a dating event before and since. But with the promise of unlimited drinks, snacks, and a 90-minute guided dating experience, I figured it might just be worth it.
That’s how I found myself in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn on a Wednesday in April, awkwardly stuffing my face with fancy charcuterie. I scoped out the scene in the dimly lit Knife Factory, decorated with cozy couches, soft rugs, and a spacious kitchen plucked straight from a magazine. The event started late so there was an awkward milling around, and a few simmering conversations with strangers over mixed drinks. But as the event progressed, the room became filled with women and non-binary folks of all ages, sizes, creeds, and races.
Before we knew it, it was time. Allie Hoffman, our guide and founder of The Feels, asked us to form a circle as she explained what would happen next. We’d be paired up and given an intimate question to answer: How do you show and receive affection? What habits make you feel grounded? Can you recall a fond memory that impacted you? One member of the pair would answer, and the other would actively listen and respond to what they heard before answering for themselves. We would then close out our pairing with a somatic activity, like maintaining eye contact, holding hands, leaning back-to-back, or hugging. (Hoffman made sure to tell us where we’d be touched and reminded us that we could opt out of the somatic activity at any point if we weren’t comfortable.)
The idea behind it makes sense: It’s about connecting with your match physically – not just emotionally – but honestly, it sounded a little too “hippie” for me and I was beginning to wonder what I had gotten myself into. I’m a born and raised New Yorker who has never successfully meditated in my life. What was I doing there? And was it going to be a complete waste of time and money?
But if I had already spent the money to be there, I figured I might as well do the damn thing. My first match went well; I enjoyed getting time to not only answer the question but also respond to my partner’s answers. It felt like a good test to ensure we were giving each other undivided attention while also finding new common ground.
The first somatic activity asked participants to maintain eye contact for the duration of a song, and I remember how the entire room seemed to fill with awkward laughter and nervous glances over the prompt. It seemed like everyone doubted they could get through it without bursting into giggles, however, when the activity actually started, there was a stillness as the room fell silent. Everyone turned 100 percent of their attention to the person in front of them. We were seeing and connecting, but it didn’t feel scary: It felt genuine and, yes, a little woo-woo, but it was what we signed up for. We were all there to push ourselves to date differently for a night.
After the somatic activity, we’d find our next partner by wandering around the room, finding someone we were curious about, and asking to match with them. I wish that this portion of the evening was as intentional as all the prior exercises, and it felt like people were just matching with whoever was around and available.
That said, I enjoyed getting to know all my matches. The group was diverse not only in race, ethnicity, sexuality, and gender expression but also in age. And that’s where The Feels shined – by bringing people together who might have never crossed paths previously and fostering the space and time for intentional connection. We continued the process through the night and Hoffman encouraged us to be brave and ask anyone we connected with for their number. It was slightly uncomfortable and could have been better facilitated for some of our socially awkward folks (again, yours truly).
Though I didn’t end up finding the “one,” I did end up making some amazing friends that night.
In a time of gamified dating apps, miscommunication, and often opaque dating priorities, The Feels pushes you to try to date differently. If you want to date seriously and break yourself out of a dating rut, I would give it a shot. Did I find my wife and frolic off into the sunset? No, but I did meet new people and have interesting conversations that I wouldn’t have had anywhere else, and for me, that’s a win regardless.
Alex Woods (you can call them Woods) is your comedic relief from Queens, whose motto is “what else am I doing?” When they’re not working as a staffing coordinator at an event agency in Manhattan, you can find Alex checking out events all over the city. From intimate concerts to queer dating events, Alex is always looking for fun ways to spend the night while connecting with their community.
