As I do each year, I’ve recently been rewatching the entire OG “Gossip Girl” series. Aside from being one of the greatest TV shows on earth (don’t argue with me, you won’t win), the show has plenty of PG-13 sex scenes – some of which are wildly unrelatable. Some involve lavish silk sheets topped with rose petals and surrounded by candles, with what I can only assume is lingerie that costs more than my rent. Then there are the mildly kinky scenes, like Serena and Nate’s strawberry and whipped cream hookup in the kitchen. Safe to say, most people don’t have sex like that.
Watching the way this iconic show portrays sex got me thinking: now that it’s Valentine’s Day, I’d be willing to bet many people are feeling the pressure to plan a sexy and elaborate night with their partner for the occasion. I’m sure your local Victoria’s Secret and Brazilian wax spots are raking in record profits this week. While it’s customary to make V-Day sex special and romantic, I think the high expectations we set on ourselves to show out for the holiday prevents us from recognizing the love and sexual connection we feel with our partners every day.
So this Valentine’s Day, consider my argument: it’s time to recognize that “boring” relationship sex is sometimes the best.
I think there’s a major difference between dating sex and “I love you” sex.
Hear me out – when I say “boring,” I’m not referring to a five-minute, effortless flopping around of bodies that happens out of routine. I mean the kind of sex that movies and TV shows make us feel is boring. Uneventful. Mundane. Especially on Valentine’s Day, fictional stories might cause some feelings of inadequacy, as if the sex you share with your significant other isn’t special or hot enough. After all, if you’re not presenting a major fire hazard with candles or maxing out your credit card at La Perla, are you even having good sex?
I have this theory that my friends are probably tired of hearing about. I think there’s a major difference between dating sex and “I love you” sex. When you’re dating someone and neither of you has shared those three words yet, there is often a feeling of wanting to satisfy or even impress the other person. You want them to think you’re good in bed and that you’ll stay that way, so you’re more likely to perform whatever you think is sexy to them. But the first time “I love you” gets involved during sex, it changes everything. I’ve only shared that moment with a small number of partners, but when it has happened, it’s like something awoke in me. Rather than ripping each other’s clothes off with passion or getting kinky with new toys or positions, something as simple as saying “I love you” can boost your connection exponentially and make you appreciate the intimacy you share. It can also feel much more empowering than giving into the constant pressure put on women to present themselves in a “sexy” way for the male gaze.
Even if you and your S.O. haven’t uttered the phrase yet, you don’t have to go all out on V-Day (or any day) to have a fulfilling sex life. Want to know how many of my friends schedule sex with their partners? A lot. As clinical as it sounds, making sure you prioritize sex in your relationship in whatever ways possible has endless benefits. You’ll feel more attracted to and connected with your partner overall, and putting in that effort together is so important. This is why relationship sex can be way more powerful and effective than a wild bathroom quickie or a night of blindfolds and role play. Just the act of choosing to be physically intimate with your partner means you still have the desire to maintain a sense of closeness and vulnerability with them.
Does your sex life always have to be part of a routine and consistently vanilla? Absolutely not. If you’re into some freaky shit or want to explore BDSM or a newly discovered fetish together, go for it. As long as it’s all consensual, I fully support being sexually adventurous.
But don’t let yourself get caught up in the idea that crazy orgasms or drawn-out, over-the-top foreplay is required to feel or be sexy with your partner. Spending even 15 minutes making out, playing around, and sharing physical pleasure makes all the difference. Whether it’s Valentine’s Day or just a random Tuesday, let sex happen in whatever way it happens – no rose petals required.
Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer on Bustle’s Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.
