Sexual relationships are a lot like a can of LaCroix. When you first open one, they are bubbling with desire, but, over time, the key ingredient fizzles out, leaving behind a lackluster taste. When this happens in a relationship, you may find yourself experiencing boredom in the bedroom, or what psychotherapist Esther Perel calls “sexual flatness” in her online course “Playing With Desire” ($99).
“Sexual flatness is sexuality that is devoid of the erotic,” Perel tells PS. “It’s sex and intimacy that is absent of presence, imagination, curiosity, novelty, and playfulness,” she says. For couples where both partners care about pleasure, intimacy, sex, and sensuality, “the flats of sexual dullness can lead to a deadening, a distancing, and a lack of connection, intimacy, and care overall,” Perel says.
Of course, sex isn’t essential to everyone or every couple. There are plenty of sexless marriages and long-term relationships where everyone involved has mutually agreed that sex – however they define it – isn’t an essential ingredient to their love life. But if sex is a key part of your relationship, sexual flatness doesn’t have to be the reason why you never experience pleasurable orgasms again.
Below, Perel explains more on what exactly sexual flatness is and how you can ultimately replace sexual boredom with orgasmic bliss. But, as Perel notes, it goes beyond just having sex more frequently. “Getting the job done isn’t the same thing as experiencing something that brings joy and closeness,” she says. “Better sex comes from cultivating eroticism.”
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Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, sex and relationship expert, and New York Times best-selling author. She is also the host of the relationship podcast “Where Should We Begin?”
What Is Sexual Flatness?
Sexual flatness is sex that has essentially lost some of its luster. If you’re experiencing it, you may find that the sex you have “gets the job done” but also doesn’t bring joy and closeness, Perel says. Though sexual flatness can look different in every relationship, it can sometimes look like one partner losing interest in sex altogether. Other times, it can look like couples treating sex as something that they just do rather than something they’re supposed to enjoy.
Sexual flatness can also look like partners doing the same routine over and over again. “[Sometimes] it’s when people say that their partner scratches their back for ten seconds and expects them to be wet, or when the whole thing feels like a five-minute drive by,” Perel adds.
Common Causes of Sexual Flatness
The truth is that it’s normal to experience sexual flatness in a long-term relationship. “Erotic couples have dips, ebbs and flows – there is no avoiding it,” Perel says. Fortunately, there are ways to fix sexual flatness in your relationship. Below, here are some of the most common reasons why couples may find themselves bored in the bedroom, and most importantly, what they can do about it.
1. Novelty is missing.
One common reason people may experience sexual flatness is because there’s too much routine without adequate novelty. Domesticity and the day-to-day logistics of relationships (e.g., what’s for dinner, who’s picking up the kids, who’s walking the dog, etc.) thrive on routines, Perel says. Sexual relationships, however, do not thrive in the habitual. In the bedroom, doing the same routine can transform the erotic from an opportunity to connect and get curious into a chore, Perel says. The last thing anyone needs is one more item on their infinitely long to-do list.
“Better sex comes from cultivating eroticism.”
The Fix: Switch it up. “Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac, and, particularly in long-term relationships, it is necessary for sustaining passion,” Perel says. With that, “breaking routine can breathe new energy and motivation into a relationship,” she adds.
To be clear, these changes don’t have to be scary or even sexual. You don’t, for example, have to go from missionary with eye contact to having a gang-bang at your local sex party, or graduate from never using sex toys to getting decked out in nipple clamps, a panty vibrator, chastity cage, and handcuffs. “Start small,” suggests Perel. “Switch which side of the bed you sleep on or skip your reservation if all you’ve been doing is going out to dinner, and take a bath together instead.” Eventually, this novelty may naturally translate to the bedroom.
2. You’re not curious anymore.
It is common for people who eat, sleep, and brush their teeth with their partner to think that they already know everything there is to know about their partner. But this attitude “chokes out the curiosity and mystery that is part of desire,” Perel says. Not only can humans evolve and change over time, but there’s also always something new to learn about your partner – both in and out of the bedroom.
The Fix: Acknowledge your differences. Even finding ways to highlight your differences can help bring back desire, according to Perel. One way to do that is to ask your partner questions that you’ve never asked them before, and then listen to the answers. “Their answers will remind you that your partner is still an other, an unknown, a mystery with a deep well of untold dreams, longings, and silliness,” Perel says. She suggests the following prompts to get started:
- When do you feel the most like yourself?
- What are we doing in one of your sexual fantasies?
- What is a myth about sex you’ve had to unlearn?
- When do you feel the most attractive?
- What is the most sensual experience we’ve had without having sex?
3. You don’t talk about sex.
“No one has ever wanted more sex from talking hours about the sex that they’re not having,” says Perel. Going on and on about your dissatisfaction with how little sex you’re having or how little your partner initiates sex can lead to sexual flatness faster than you can say “buzzkill.” But the thing is, not talking about sex at all can have a similar side effect. If you and your partner(s) never talk about sex or invite one another to share their experience of certain techniques, acts, or moments, sexual flatness can creep in, Perel says.
The Fix: Perel suggests implementing something called “sexual candor” into your relationship. This is when “you talk about yourself, your longings, your aspirations, your wounds, and your dreams, through a sexual lens,” she says. It’s when you express the parts of yourself you want to shine through your sexuality and tell them what you want to feel and your sexual fears, she says. Sharing this information – plus inviting them to do the same – gives you a chance to surprise one another, she says.
A related practice to implement is aftercare, which is the time after sex where you can share what you enjoyed about the sex you just had, as well as ask for what you need to feel physically, emotionally, and mentally cared for post-play.
4. Pleasure takes a backseat to performance.
It is common for long-term couples to focus too much on trying new sex positions and toys, but not enough on pleasure. There’s no doubt that, in the right context, these things can dial up your desire and ward off sexual flatness, but more often, they lead to sex where people are too busy worrying that the new trick won’t work to experience pleasure. This can then lead couples to prioritize what they do in bed over what they are feeling in bed. The problem? “Sex isn’t just something you do,” Perel says. “In sex, you can do a lot and feel very little.” During pleasure-forward, erotic connections, however, you can do very little and feel a lot of pleasure, she says.
The Fix: “Put the focus on being present during sex, rather than on acrobatics,” Perel says. For this, she suggests you and your partner try a pre-sex activity that will light up all five of your senses. “Start by splitting an orange into two halves, and give one half to your partner,” she says. “Roll it around in your palms. Dig your fingernails into its skin. Smell the spritz of orange juice that emerges when you do this.” Next, take a bite. “Roll it around in your mouth, taste it in every corner, observe the acidity as you swallow,” she says. Finally, kiss your partner and taste the orange on their lips. This activity will help you become more present and in your body, as well as serve as a reminder that sex isn’t just a thing we do, but a place that we go, says Perel.
When Does Sexual Flatness Signal The End?
“There is no rigid rule to follow, meter to review, or charts to analyze when assessing whether the sexual rut means it’s the end of the relationship,” Perel tells PS. If the sex is at a standstill because of underlying relationship issues that aren’t surmountable – misaligned values, incongruent family and future goals, lack of respect for one another, political differences – it may be time to break up.
But if the sexual flatness is stemming from individual issues of self-esteem, trauma, body image, anxiety, or depression, the relationship as a whole may be saved if the individual(s) in question tackle their problems head on. Here, sex therapy, couples’ counseling, and Perel’s online courses can all be helpful. But most importantly, communicate with your partner with (sexual) candor about your desires, wants, and fantasies, and be curious about theirs as well.
Remember: Life doesn’t move in a straight line, and neither will your sex life. Embrace the changes.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and wellness journalist who writes at the intersection of queerness, sexual health, and pleasure. In addition to PS, her work has appeared in Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Women’s Health, Health, Self, Men’s Health, Greatist, and more.
