A first date is like an HR screening call. It’s an introduction: don’t get bogged down in analyzing romantic chemistry or whether you could see your date fitting in with your family. It’s an opportunity to make sure the person is presentable and polite before sending them off to the hiring manager – which is also you, except on a second date. As long as there aren’t any bright red flags waving above your date’s head, I believe everyone (yes, even the boring date) deserves a second shot.
The trouble is, of course, time is limited. And with endless people to swipe on just a finger tap away, it’s hard to make time for a second date with every average person you meet when more potential first dates await you.
“If we talked for an hour and a half already and sparks didn’t fly, is it really worth a whole other hour or two plus another night’s worth of makeup?” I’ve found myself wondering this many times. Often, the answer feels like no. But what if I could streamline the process? What if I could get through 12 first dates in just two hours?
That was on my mind as I left for a speed dating event at a hotel in downtown Toronto. I’d been on and off dating apps for some time and felt I’d gotten most of what I could from them: ghosting in both directions, so many first dates, and even a few relationships. But, like most people who have spent their fair share of time on dating apps, I was ready for a change.
The apps often made dating feel like a chore, and matches just another notification to check. I was tired of building someone up in my head just to be less than enchanted in person. It was starting to feel like dating apps were taking the fun out of romance. That’s why I decided to turn to speed dating.
I was nervous when I walked in. I’d booked the event through a company I found online and had no idea which singles it would attract. Upon entering, I realized it was more casual than I expected; the event took place in the party-snacks room of a hotel, where children played video games as their parents sat on couches behind them. Closer to the bar, the singles congregated. Tables sprawled out and the ten women in attendance, ages ranging from 25 to 39, were each given a seat and told to await their suitors.
As the event got underway, my first date of the evening approached my table. It was a nice change to go into the “date” completely blind. I had no conception whatsoever about this person and his life, which is rare, since in real life, I typically meet people beforehand, whether online or in person, and there’s time to familiarize myself before the date.
Each date started with the basics: “Where are you from?” “What do you do for work?” “What do you do when you’re not working?” I felt the pressure taken off, as the date would only last five minutes. (Hallelujah.) There wasn’t any stress about what would come next in the conversation, or whether we wanted the date to continue after the first drink. With just five minutes to chat, there was barely any time for an awkward lull.
Every five minutes invited an opportunity for a new person to sit in front of me.
First impressions happen fast – according to Princeton researchers, often within seven seconds of meeting someone. Although I do think most people deserve a second date, sometimes it tends to be clear pretty early on when a second date will be a no-go. (For example, if your date is rude to the waiter or spends the whole date talking about their ex.) But in most cases, unless you’ve just popped out of an early-2000s movie and have a friend waiting in the wings to call you with an “emergency,” you’re usually stuck on a date for at least an hour. With speed dating, however, you say “thank you, next” after just a few minutes, and only continue onto a longer date if both parties are genuinely interested.
As my dates progressed, my mood relaxed and I began having more fun with my evening. Next! Every five minutes invited an opportunity for a new person to sit in front of me, and a new connection to grow.
Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge and author of “How Not to Die Alone,” says that when dating, we should pay more attention to who we are in the presence of our potential partner. What side of yourself does your date bring out? Having listened to her audiobook on my commute the week before, I couldn’t get this idea out of my mind while speed dating. In front of ten different men, different sides of myself showed up. Who brought out the best in me? Which version did I like best?
Often, the end of real dates comes with uncertainty: Who is going to pay? Is someone going to lean in for a kiss? Is either party going to mention seeing the other again, or will we leave things on the dreaded, “Nice to meet you?” In this regard, the great thing about speed dating was the lack of pressure toward the end of each date.
Participants all previously made a profile on the company’s website with their name and a picture. The event ended at 7:30 pm, and by midnight, each person was required to click “yes” or “no” next to each person they met. As the clock of each date ticked toward the five-minute mark, I got the familiar feeling, wondering, “What happens now?” But I didn’t have to worry about publicly rejecting anyone I didn’t want to see again, or facing rejection from those I did. The speed dates ended with a smile and goodbye. I’d learn my matches at midnight.
I’ll admit it was tempting to like everyone and see how many liked me back (hey, I’m only human), but at the end of the event, there was only one person I felt interested in matching with, and our second date is currently scheduled.
I would definitely speed date again – and you should, too. It was a fun night out, a great opportunity to meet new people in my city, and a much more efficient way of dating than swiping from home and maintaining multiple weeks-long conversations with strangers. In my view, speed dating has many of the benefits of online dating, without the obvious drawbacks. Just be sure to remember to get the correct names of suitors you’re interested in so you don’t end up on the wrong second date.
Samantha Fink is a PS contributor and freelance writer covering lifestyle and entertainment. Her other work can be found in Cosmopolitan, Business Insider, Yahoo!, The WholeNote, and The Bookseller. Samantha graduated from Queen’s University with degrees in English and psychology, and she has a master’s degree in journalism from City, University of London.
