Wait, what? Summer is almost over? Why am I already seeing back-to-school ads? I have to say that entering this school year is going to hit different for both me and my two daughters – it will serve as the first time we’re entering into this routine now that I’m officially divorced from their mother.
I’m not someone who thinks divorce is a bad thing. In fact, it was incredibly beneficial for my mental health to leave my marriage. However, I’d be lying if I said that my mental health was great to begin with. I’m open and honest with the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety, and it became so pervasive in all aspects of my being that I made a serious suicide attempt in 2018 to escape from the pain.
Shocked? I get it. Let’s keep it real: dudes aren’t talking about mental health on these streets, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less of a problem for us. The stats don’t lie, either.
More than six million men suffer from depression. Suicide is the seventh leading cause of male death in America. More than four times as many men die by suicide than women in America.
Showing up to life with mental illness is difficult, but for me, showing up to life as a man with mental illness is even more difficult. Showing up to life as a man of color with mental illness makes me want to put a cape on, because it’s super difficult. Doing all that as a divorced dad is something I don’t know if I’m ready for. It’s completely overwhelming at times.
Even the simplest tasks to many – like getting the kids ready for their next school year – could put many dads over the edge.
Speaking of which, I know that the racists and non-empaths will roll their eyes at this, but I can’t express how difficult it is to be a Black man in America today. We’re viewed as threats the moment we walk out of the door. We are viewed as incompetent in almost all areas that don’t involve jumping, running, joke telling, dancing, or singing. We’re blamed for why America isn’t great again – I mean, was America ever great for people who look like me? You get the idea. That doesn’t mean I’m a victim, because I’ve experienced a decent amount of success in life, but the level of nonsense I had to deal with to get here is unique to being Black.
But do you think the Black men you love in your life will express the pain of their declining mental health to you? If the answer is “no” or “I don’t know,” you need to figure out why before it’s too late.
I know what you’re thinking, “My guy, what does this have to do with back-to-school?” It has everything to do with it. Dads often struggle to show up in life because of the pressure to put a brave face on when they’re struggling. We can’t show weakness or fear without expecting ridicule from our peers, so we often suffer in silence. Even the simplest tasks to many – like getting the kids ready for their next school year – could put many dads over the edge. Many of us cannot express how overwhelmed we actually are.
Trust me, bro. I’m living it. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but here are five quick tips you can implement today to help dads – especially Black dads who are struggling out there – during BTS season or any season.
If you see the signs, take action.
Sadly, it’s pretty rare that a Black man will outwardly say, “I’m depressed.” You need to look for the subtle signs: escapism (alcohol/drug abuse, excessive video game play and social media usage, sleeping more) and mood swings (irritability and the silent treatment are big ones).
When you see the signs, you can ask the common questions, like, “What’s wrong?” or “Are you OK?” but you know what answers you’ll probably get (“Nothing” and “I’m fine”).
Instead, it could be helpful to be frank. You can say: “Hey, I care about you enough to notice that something is wrong, and I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk. Even if you’re not ready to talk now, just know that I’m going to continue to check in on you because you’re that important to me.”
From there, it’s as simple as sending check-in texts during the day to say, “Hey, I’m thinking about you. Just want to make sure you’re doing OK.” Simple acts like that will demonstrate that you care about him. The goal is that eventually he will feel comfortable opening up to you.
Be an active listener.
I’ve learned that active listening is the most valuable skill a person can have in a relationship. I’m not just talking romantically, either. This goes for parent-child, work colleagues, and friends. We live in a world where people only “kinda listen” to conversations, and when people kinda listen to men, they’re met with some version of, “Oh man, that sucks, bro . . . anyway, did you see the game last night?” All this does is make a man believe that nobody cares about his problems – especially when that comes from someone he loves and trusts. And then it’s incredibly easy for him to retreat into his shell to suffer alone.
Be the person who actively listens to a man. Even though I believe active listening is a superpower nowadays because it’s so rare, it doesn’t take much to do it effectively. If he trusts you enough to open up to you, please take it seriously. Some simple questions to ask are as follows:
- “Can you tell me more about XYZ? I want to know more about why it’s impacting you.”
- “This sounds pretty tough. Can we make a plan together to tackle it?”
- “Do you want my opinions or do you just want to vent? I’m cool with either one, but I want to help you as best I can.”
- “I’m glad you trust me enough to talk about this with me. Just know that whenever you need someone to listen, I’ll be here.”
That said – your own boundaries need to be taken into account. You’re likely not a therapist, so you shouldn’t be expected to handle a ton of emotional dumping. If it becomes too much for you, say, “I’m here for you, but I also think you should talk to someone more qualified than I am. Let’s see if we can find a therapist for you.”
Don’t make it about you.
Oftentimes, it takes an incredible amount of courage for Black men to be vulnerable about the issues in their lives, especially when vulnerability is frowned upon and ridiculed in the Black community. The quickest way to upset men in that moment is to make it about you. For example, if a dude opens up to you about feeling depressed and overwhelmed and you respond with, “I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed too. Here are some of the things I’m currently dealing with right now . . .”
Not to be rude, but the depressed man couldn’t give a rat’s ass end about what’s going on with you right now. Resist the urge to talk about yourself and refer to point No. 2.
Take something off their plate.
If you see a man is struggling, don’t ask to take something off their plate – just do it.
Is a single dad overwhelmed? Give him a DoorDash gift card so he can take a night off from burning water (that’s my mom’s way of saying a person can’t cook); send him online recommendations for backpacks for the new school year; or help him register his kiddos for classes.
Don’t invalidate them.
One of the main reasons I attempted suicide six years ago is that people invalidated my feelings. I’d hear, “Keep your head up, dude. It’s not that bad.” Or: “Everyone has problems . . . you gotta be tougher and stop complaining.”
When men hear enough of that, they’ll start to think they’re broken for feeling the way they do. Not only that, they’ll stop opening up to anyone. And before you know it, they may become suicide statistics.
Back-to-school season may not be a big deal to you, but it can be overwhelming to many parents – especially dads who feel as if they don’t have the permission or outlet to share their feelings with others.
The bottom line is we all need to show up better in terms of men’s mental health. Doing so could mean the difference between life and death.
Doyin (pronounced “doe-ween”) Richards is a bestselling children’s author, dynamic keynote speaker, and critically acclaimed DEI consultant. His clients range from Fortune 100 companies to elementary schools, and he inspires people to be open about mental health/mental illness and embrace anti-racism in work, school, and beyond. He also delivered a TEDx talk on anti-racism. Doyin is a PS Council member.
