After decades away from the spotlight, lavender marriage has had quite a busy few years. Gen Z – burdened by economic woes and an abysmal dating scene – brought the term back from the dead when it began popularizing the “marriage of convenience” all over TikTok, as an alternative to the love match. But Gen Z had visualized lavender marriage with a twist: While in the past, queer people sought lavender marriages to escape social persecution, Gen Zers of all sexual orientations thought of them more as a way to escape financial insecurity.
Until Nov. 5.
Since former president Donald Trump was reelected, and with his alt-right conservative agenda looming on the horizon, lavender marriage has begun to shape-shift back to its original form. Fearing that LGBTQ+ civil rights will be undone, just like reproductive rights, some queer TikTokers are worried they may once again have to seek shelter in lavender marriages (instead of having the choice to pursue one for economic empowerment).
In the US, the concept of lavender marriage dates back to the early 20th century, when same sex marriage was illegal and it was very dangerous to be openly queer. A public-facing marriage between two people of the opposite sex was used to conceal one or both of their sexualities and thereby protect their job, their privacy, and their physical safety.
While some involved queer women, the most common lavender marriage setup during that time was between a gay man and a straight woman, especially in Old Hollywood. Many lavender marriages were essentially open secrets, but the arrangements allowed queer actors to continue working despite the “morality clauses” in their contracts with big studios.
In the decades since – though lavender marriages have continued to provide refuge for queer people in places like Pakistan, where homosexuality is criminalized – the term had all but faded into the background here in the US, as more queer Americans openly enjoyed their hard-won freedoms, including same sex marriage.
The term landed back in the lexicon a few years ago, with its newly reclaimed purpose: Instead of a hiding place for oppressed queers, lavender marriage could be a stepping stone for young people who want to reap the benefits of a legal marriage without the pressure of first falling in love. While no data exists on how many lavender marriages are performed in a year, videos with the hashtag get millions of views on TikTok, where people post in search of spousal “applicants” and rattle off the qualities that make them a good candidate for platonic marriage.
In September, Robbie Scott posted what’s now become one of TikTok’s most-watched lavender marriage pleas, with almost 6 million views. He’s got $80,000 in student loan debt and was looking for a woman or non-man to marry, split their incomes, pay off their debt, and buy a house together.
“I am currently taking applications for a lavender marriage. I am not joking, this is a serious inquiry,” he said. “All you have to do is marry me so that I can afford to pay a mortgage, utilities, and taxes. That’s it. You can mess around with whoever you want, whenever you want, I don’t care. In fact I encourage it. Have fun, live your best life. I don’t own you, and you don’t own me.”
Before Trump was reelected, this and similar takes on lavender marriage felt more low-stakes; a cheeky way to game the system without snubbing it completely, almost like a meme. But the fun has been tainted by the anxiety that lavender marriage will once again become a mandate for those who don’t fit the conservative Christian family mold.
On Nov. 7, one TikToker announced he was looking for two women who would be open to lavender marriage with him and his husband “if stuff starts getting a little too like Project 2025.” Underneath the jokes – his ground rules for a wife include someone who also loves Disney, and someone who will share details of their extramarital sexcapades over Sunday brunch – is a very real fear of Trump’s Project 2025 and the Christian nationalists who architected it.
With all that headed to the White House, it does feel like we’re backsliding. But this is not 1920. The biggest difference between then and now is that today, we have the benefit of decades of queer visibility behind us. Because of what our queer elders endured, we have much more space to be creative with our relationships and to recognize that romantic marriage isn’t the only legitimate expression of love and devotion.
There are plenty of people in happy lavender marriages. On TikTok, many have shared stories about marrying their best friend. They’ve done it for all sorts of reasons, like for better healthcare, to buy a house together, to raise kids together. The rise in platonic marriages, the growing interest in polyamory and communal living, and the enduring queer concept of chosen family are examples of how queer culture has paved the way for us all to reimagine the relationships that are central to our lives. Queer culture has allowed us to reject the linear and very limited construct of monogamous, romantic love and instead given us license to embrace love in myriad forms.
A marriage, at its core, is a very practical thing. It’s a union of two people and their families that comes with concrete social and economic benefits. We’ve attached all these external values to it, and convinced ourselves that it holds the keys to our happiness. That it’s a fairytale. And for some people, marriage to a romantic partner is exactly that. But an increasing number of people are open to finding fulfillment – romantic, sexual, or otherwise – from other sources. And that’s a direct result of queer advocacy.
So while history may threaten to repeat itself, there’s no putting the gay toothpaste back in the tube. Regardless of how laws may change, queer people will always create life outside the bounds. Once upon a time, lavender marriage may have been thought of as cowardly, or sad. Maybe this time around we see it another way. Maybe we see it as a subversion.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t fight to protect our civil rights, including the right to same sex marriage. But if it feels right, then yeah – go ahead and get lavender married. Build a cute, loving home with someone who respects you and gives you your space and will never utter the words “your body, my choice.” Maintain your independence, fuck who you want, expand your capacity to love. Use the antiquated institution of marriage to your advantage. Start a commune. Plant a vegetable garden in your big backyard – the one that you and your spouse can actually afford now – and feed your community. Take care of each other. Your relationships are your rebellion.
Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is the associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she’s covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.
