Friendships are a many-splendored thing, unless you feel like they’re sucking you dry and depleting the well of energy you’re constantly trying to refill in this chaotic world. So many creative works about the particular kind of companionship that exists amongst women have risen to cultural canon, from “Girlfriends” to “Sex And The City” and the Spice Girls’s “Wannabe” to Amy Tan’s “The Joy Luck Club.” The way we care for and love one another is special – which is why it feels so core-shaking when those friendships go awry.
In late April, a Reddit post on this exact topic went viral after a 27 year-old woman shared that she turned down a girls’ trip with her friends to avoid three days of incessant talk about marriage and babies. “I have a lot going on, but I feel a lot of my friends do not show an interest unless I talk about someone I’m dating,” she states. And these don’t seem to be a group of fair-weather folks, according to her description, as the group of seven has known each other for more than ten years.
The group gets together twice a year, every year, for a trip. But this time, the person behind the Reddit post declined to travel with the bunch, and didn’t want to take on such an expense when the only subjects of conversation would likely be children, forthcoming engagements, and pending nuptials. “It feels like the group has two distinct life stages . . . I’m in the minority and it focuses on one stage,” she says.
This story rang so true for me. In fact, one of my closest friends sent it along and asked for my thoughts. This is because just a few years back, I exited a group chat because the topics often centered around marriage and children almost daily, even though my group was full of predominantly single people. The truth is, I was exhausted by the constant chatter around the same subject matters. But it ended being so much deeper than that.
Here’s what I learned from reframing my friendships to better suit my current stage of evolution.
Intimacy and reciprocity are paramount in long-lasting friendships.
Being a part of a group of friends is fun and fulfilling, as long as you like the role you play within the dynamic and your point-of-view doesn’t make you the odd person out. If you’re questioning what you want from life in your late 20s while your friends are becoming spouses and parents and thus making lifelong commitments, it can feel isolating – especially if others don’t show interest in what’s going on in your life outside of your romantic relationships.
I too was trying to better define and pinpoint my feelings about marriage and motherhood, so it felt frustrating to be unable to explore that in a group of mostly single people. But what I really realized I was missing were the one-to-one connections that long-lasting friendships are built on.
Upon exiting the group chat, I encouraged everyone to reach out to me individually, and though I had my doubts, they did. I realized we needed to retool our relationships with one another in order to rebuild connection. I found they were interested in what was going on in my life, but that was getting lost in the narrow conversations we were having around a topic that mattered a lot to them, and not so much to me.
I needed to know my friends were hearing and seeing me, too.
It was never about disliking discussions about marriage and children. I happen to love kids and I’m super curious about what my friends choose to share about the inner workings of their relationships. It was about reciprocity. I needed to know my friends were hearing and seeing me, too.
The Reddit poster clarified that she too cares about her friends’ lives, but they haven’t shown the same interest in hers over the years. So, I believe she’s absolutely making the right choice in pulling back and taking a hard look at her relationship with these friends who aren’t pouring into her, while she’s constantly showing up for them.
For some, groupthink is just easier.
Though progress has been made, the game is still easier on paper for those who follow more traditional paths. Whether buying a home, paying taxes, or saving for retirement, there are simply more benefits and protections for those who choose to get married. And I believe that many heterosexual folks don’t stop to give second thought to approaching marriage differently: that’s thanks to seeing our parents and grandparents embark on the journey before us, along with the wedding industrial complex and pointed messages from social media and entertainment.
For a long time, women had to mate to survive and many are still in that mode, even if society has changed in many ways. In fact, so much of what we’ve been fed as women directly ties our identities to marriage and motherhood that perhaps some can’t see a world in which we could be defined any other way.
Granted, wives and mothers do need a crew because it takes a village to stay encouraged through marital and parental challenges, but the world is expansive, with more than enough topics to talk about on a daily basis. And throughout the years, I have found that my married and mom friends can’t wait to spill the tea on everything besides what’s happening in their homes. So what gives?
The Reddit poster’s actions later inspired one of the other women to similarly decline the girls’ trip, and though she may never know, it may have planted a seed in the minds of her other friends to open up their conversations. Though, of course, she can’t be sure since she’s no longer a part of those discussions.
I’m fairly sure the group chat I was a part of is still going, but I’m more than satisfied to have individual conversations with friends where we’re able to talk about the things that matter to all of us, instead of getting lost in the noise of a bigger group.
Life is hard and unpredictable, so folks are reaching for control and optimism in different ways.
As an avid fan and believer in manifestation, I’m convinced that you need to speak what you want into the universe so it can help you along in your efforts. But I also subscribe to holding tight to a gratitude practice that keeps you grounded in the present, remaining thankful for the blessings you do have. I deeply believe in the universal concept that what is meant for me will indeed find me along my journey.
I was routinely annoyed by conversations with my single friends about the wedding ceremonies we’d one day have, or the prospect of children, because they seemed like a punishment of sorts to constantly be talking about what we hadn’t yet achieved. I felt I had to extricate myself from these cyclical conversations before losing my mind.
But once I did, and the noise was quieted, I realized that these were merely discussions of hope. If you’ve wanted to be a wife or mother your entire life (or for any sizable amount of time), the notion that you may not achieve either can be heartbreaking. Though we do our best to plan, life’s twists and turns can interrupt almost anything we hope to accomplish. So though it seems maddening to be on the receiving end of breastfeeding talk for an hour, it may be this friend’s way of trying to infuse some sense of control into a world where everything is up for change. It doesn’t make it any less infuriating, but it does help you better connect if there’s an opportunity for a one-on-one conversation.
Ultimately, I haven’t looked back since exiting that group chat. The change has sparked more fruitful conversation, more vulnerability, and it’s given me clarity on the kinds of friendships I want to have. No one is perfect, but I’m ultimately glad I chose myself and my needs, so that I could hear what’s best for me more clearly.
I truly believe the Reddit poster will be better off for not having attended the girls’ trip, and it might be good for her to rethink her presence in the group if the dynamics don’t change. I hope the friends in the group who cherish her will do things differently. And if they don’t, it will be sad, but thankfully she has more friends who she says are a “joy to be in the company of,” who she can lean on should the girls’ trip group not step up for her in the way she needs.
Faith Cummings (she/her) is a journalist, senior copy manager, and editor. Her work focuses on talking to women founders and celebrities of color about their experiences breaking ground. She is also an e-commerce industry expert, with over a decade helping brands translate their experiences and products into the digital world.
