This season of “Love Is Blind” has reignited conversations around the difference between healthy flirting and negging – which is defined as giving backhanded compliments meant to undermine a person’s self-worth. The conversation has been taking off since the first episodes of season eight dropped, in which Dave, one of the contestants, opens up his initial conversations with: “So, what’s wrong with you?” and makes jokes about his dates “getting old” or being “no longer attractive” when talking about age.
Before I go any further, I want to make the differences between flirting and negging clear. While flirting is fun and lighthearted, negging feels subtly combative and dismissive. Typically, healthy flirting isn’t followed by a dismissive “Relax, it was just a joke,” but negging often is – because the intent is to make the recipient feel like they’re being too sensitive. Healthy flirting feels fun, exciting, and affirming; negging doesn’t. Pursuing a relationship with someone who negs you might activate your anxiety, because the focus can shift from exploring your compatibility to wondering if you will ever be enough for them.
Negging is a subtle dating tactic meant to undermine a person’s confidence to the point where they may begin to seek affirmation and validation from the person who is negging them.
Some examples of negging tactics are:
- Giving backhanded compliments: “You are really pretty for your age!”
- Teasing with flavors of insult: “Something must be wrong with you if you’re still single.”
- Bringing up exes in a way that creates insecurity or comparison: “My ex was always getting hit on when we’d go out! She was so beautiful.”
- Making it seem like they’re doing you a favor: “You’re lucky I’m doing this with you. I never do this with anyone.”
When these types of comments are combined and are persistent, it can make the recipient feel like they are being chosen – which, again, shifts the focus from assessing true compatibility to activating the innate desire to be liked.
Know this: backhanded compliments aren’t compliments, and they aren’t kind. Compliments are supposed to feel good and not confusing. Compliments expand you, not shrink you. It’s important to remember that those who have a pattern of incorporating negging into their banter aren’t typically trying to form an authentic connection. Instead, they are generally testing to see who will receive these thinly veiled insults as humor, which over time might make the recipient might feel like they have to prove how “chill” they are by tolerating the discomfort that comes with being teased.
In the case of “Love Is Blind,” it’s impossible to know someone’s true intent from an edited reality television show. But it’s clear that Dave’s remarks create uncertainty; Lauren, his eventual fiancée, narrates her internal dialogue before the reveal. She shares with the audience that she wonders if she’ll be adequate enough for him as she assumes that he’s mostly into hot people based on conversations they’ve had. This is a typical response when someone is on the receiving end of jokes that have a hint of insult in them.
When the person we are dating creates a safe and secure environment for us to be our full selves, doubts around if we are good enough for them tend to become quieter, not louder. Moments like these can serve as a valuable reminder to check in with yourself during dating interactions. If someone’s words leave you feeling insecure or unsure of your value, it’s worth reflecting on whether that dynamic feels good to you and aligns with your values.
Alyssa Mancao (she/her), LCSW, is a social worker, group practice owner, and keynote speaker. She received her master’s in social work from the University of Southern California and has been practicing for well over a decade. She has contributed to various well-known outlets to address strategies for increasing self-connection and navigating conflict in relationships. Her recommendations for mental health strategies have been featured in Vogue, Elle, and Women’s Health. Alyssa is a PS Council member.
