When you think of girls’ trips, images of fluffy robes and poolside cocktails probably come to mind. They’re a chance for friends to leave stress behind, strengthen bonds, and be each other’s biggest cheerleaders. But there’s often more beneath the surface, like what we’ve seen on the latest season of “The White Lotus,” with its dysfunctional trio friendship imploding at a Thai resort.
Early on, we learn that Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie are childhood best friends now in their 40s. Jaclyn, who paid for the trip, is a famous actress married to an actor 10 years her junior. Kate lives in Austin and might’ve (or most certainly) voted for Trump. Laurie is a divorced mom and lawyer from New York who’s paying palimony. They start the trip saying how much they love each other, yet are quick to pair off and gossip about the other person when they’re not around.
Since Laurie is the only one who’s single, Jaclyn takes it upon herself to become her wingwoman, urging Laurie to have a fling with Valentin, the resort’s young and attractive health mentor. When Jaclyn’s husband suddenly stops responding to her texts, however, she begins to spiral. A night of drinks and dancing culminates in Jaclyn sleeping with Valentin – the same man she’d been pushing on Laurie throughout the season.
If you’re cringing at Jaclyn’s behavior, perhaps it’s because you’ve had a friend whose plans always revolve around men. This friend might also have a competitive side that puts them at odds with others in the group. But, before rushing to judgment, consider that the Jaclyns in your life are probably battling their own insecurities.
Below, PS asks a therapist about how to navigate a friendship with someone who tends to center men and prioritize romantic pursuits above friendships.
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Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is a mental health therapist specializing in women’s mental wellness. Se is also the founder of On Par Therapy.
How to Handle Competitive Friends
At first, it seems like the bond between Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie is solid. Even though they live miles apart, they make a point of talking on the phone and routinely meeting up. However, because they grew up together, they’re still buying into societal pressures that probably started back in high school and have continued into adulthood, mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, says.
Right away, we get the sense that Jaclyn is the standout of the trio, especially when they recall doing a school skit where they had to act like they were one person: Kate was the feet, Laurie was the hands, and Jaclyn was front and center as the face. “And so, Kate and Laurie feel like background characters to their famous friend, and there’s a constant competition between them, especially when men are present,” Paruolo tells PS.
When Laurie goes to bed the first night, Kate and Jaclyn speculate about her drinking and her unruly daughter; Laurie and Kate later gossip about Jaclyn’s vanity and need to compete despite her success; and Jaclyn and Laurie accuse Kate of imitating her husband’s political views. They’re all striving to live up to impossible standards and lashing out at each other in the process.
In this age of comparison culture, it’s normal to feel envious of your friends. Paruolo’s advice is to avoid downward comparisons such as saying, “This person is successful, and I can never be like this.” Instead, try making upward comparisons by saying, “This person is doing something incredible, and I can do that too.”
Understanding the Need for Validation
When Jaclyn sleeps with Valentin, it seems like a betrayal of her marriage and her friendship with Laurie. But Jaclyn probably doesn’t see it that way because she’s more concerned about masking her insecurities, especially as she doubles down and denies her infidelity. “Jaclyn’s decision-making is always going to be driven by what suits her,” Paruolo says.
As a viewer, you might think, “I’m nothing like Jaclyn” or “I wouldn’t want to be her friend.” But it’s possible that Jaclyn’s behaviors are a coping mechanism rather than an intentional betrayal, Paruolo says. Jaclyn felt down and insecure about her relationship and Valentin provided the immediate external validation she was seeking.
In addition, Jaclyn lives in a world that prizes youth and beauty. That said, Paruolo clarifies, “It doesn’t mean that she can avoid taking accountability for her actions.” But, she adds, “It’s a human need and desire to be accepted, loved, and wanted.” Someone like Jaclyn is accustomed to attaining validation from men and may not be aware that they’re projecting their insecurities onto their friends.
Recognizing When You’ve Outgrown the Friendship
As adults, Laurie and Kate continue to put Jaclyn on a pedestal, such as when Kate says she brags about Jaclyn being one of her closest friends. “When we keep telling someone who they are, eventually they will play into it,” Paruolo says. Instead of judging your friends or expecting them to live up to your standards, take ownership of the narrative you’re telling yourself about who you are as a friend.
If a friend keeps pushing you to go out, hook up, or invite men over, be mindful of your boundaries, Paruolo says. This could mean calling it a night, like Kate did, or telling your friend how their behavior affects you with “I” statements such as, “I feel uncomfortable when you bring people back to the hotel.” In Laurie’s case, however, confronting Jaclyn with accusations only made her more defensive. “That’s because people can only be as honest with you as they are with themselves,” Paruolo adds.
Some friendships endure well beyond childhood. Still, it’s worth asking yourself, “If I met this person today, would I still be friends with them?” Paruolo says. “If you had to put on a pair of shoes you wore in fourth grade, it would be an uncomfortable fit, so it’s like saying those shoes got me so far, but I’ve evolved, grown, and changed.” In other words, you don’t have to force friendships that are no longer fulfilling.
Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master’s degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.
