It’s a Sunday night and you’re on the couch binging Netflix while simultaneously texting your group chat of longtime friends. You catch up on your respective weekends, share recent work wins and coworker complaints, discuss what you had for dinner, ‘dislike’ relatable relationship gripes. You’re “talking” . . . right?
It’s not uncommon to rely on texting as a means of regular conversation. It’s efficient, you can do it while doing a million other things simultaneously, and it’s just, well, easy. Not to mention that texting doesn’t require the daunting task of syncing schedules and finding a time when both people can *actually* talk.
But here’s the thing: Phone calls are far more likely to support warmth and connection than written messages. And considering that we’re in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, as outgoing Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD, recently pointed out, that’s something we could all use. In his “parting prescription for America,” Dr. Murthy warned of the negative effects of loneliness, including heart disease, dementia, depression, and more.
Point being, it’s a good time to up the ante on the personal connection front. One low-lift way to do so? Calling a friend rather than texting. Phone calls are incredibly helpful ways to feel more connected, creating a sense of intimacy, explains psychologist Yasmine Saad, PhD. Here, experts break down the value of picking up the phone, the best use cases for texting (there definitely are some), and how to approach dialing when you’re feeling reluctant to do so.
Experts Featured in This Article:
Irina Firstein, LCSW, is a therapist in New York City.
Yasmine Saad, PhD, is a psychologist and the founder of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City.
The Case for Making Phone Calls
Calling is simply more personal and informative than texting, says Irina Firstein, LCSW, a therapist in New York City. “It’s a much richer way to understand another’s internal experience,” she explains. When you’re reading a text message, you’re less likely to understand any nuance in the information being shared. Reading promotes an interpretation of someone’s experience, rather than hearing what they’re actually communicating.
Consider reading a book versus watching a movie. Your brain takes certain creative liberties when you read. (There’s a reason why discussion-based book clubs are so popular; it’s very easy to have various takeaways from written stories.) Hearing someone’s voice on the phone – plus the tone, intonation, and emotion that comes with it – leaves less room for interpretation. A voice provides an emotional picture, while a text is limited and one-dimensional. It’s just not as clear as a person telling you about their experience, Firstein points out.
And while it may seem like you need to allocate a huge chunk of time for any kind of meaningful chat, Dr. Saad says that’s not necessarily the case. Even a quickie convo can help you feel more connected. “It’s not so much about the length of a phone call, but the content of the phone call,” she says. “Connection can happen within a minute if it’s the right content.”
There’s a Time and Place for Texting
There’s no need to villainize texting or ration texts sparingly the way we did when each one cost 10 cents back in the early aughts. “Texting is an appropriate way to make plans, change plans, or just say a quick hello,” says Firstein. “It’s simply more efficient.”
Practicality aside, texting can also help create connection in certain scenarios for highly feeling people, says Dr. Saad. “Texting creates a distance and removes you a little bit,” she says. “If you’re someone who has a tendency to tune in to the negative, texting may help you connect. It can moderate anxiety and fears.” For those who cling to perceived judgment from others, the built-in emotional distance of texting acts like a safety net.
Still, she offers the caveat that feeling disconnected in general can be a sign to re-engage and push yourself to connect via phone call. Check in with yourself: If you’re feeling like you do need some space and might benefit from some distance, send the text. But if you’re craving deeper connection, something as simple as calling the friend whom you would otherwise text can make all the difference.
4 Tips for Integrating Meaningful Phone Calls Into Your Life
Tell Yourself Beforehand “It Will Be Imperfect”
Many people stress that a phone conversation will be awkward, they won’t know what to say, or that it will just be bad. To help lower the stakes, Dr. Saad suggests anticipating all of these potential scenarios. That way, if there’s an awkward blip, it’ll be easier for you to brush it off and not make it the entire takeaway of the conversation. Even if the call doesn’t go as planned or is a little uncomfortable, remind yourself that you’re still at least working toward connection, Dr. Saad notes. And who knows, it may just go even better than you expected.
Make a Call List
Firstein doesn’t look forward to calling people, even though she knows it will be good for her. In order to keep herself accountable, she creates a list of people to call. “I force myself to make a list of people I have not spoken to,” she says. “And then just sit down and do it. It feels so good afterward.” Who ends up on your call list is a matter of personal preference. Consider including family members you love but don’t text, or friends who you text with all the time but rarely speak to on the phone. Or maybe it’s someone who always makes you feel good, no matter the means of communication.
Consider The Goal of the Phone Call Ahead of Time
Dr. Saad suggests getting clear about what you want to gain from a given chat prior to dialing. “Identify what you want out of that conversation and orient it toward that,” she says. Whether you want to share a funny story, talk about a current event, feel validated about a recent conflict, or simply just vent, you’re more likely to end the call feeling positive and connected if you have an intention in mind from the outset.
Be Mindful of Whom You’re Calling
Once you know what kind of conversation you’re looking to have, be intentional about who you’re calling. Ask yourself what you need (or want) in the moment, and if the person you’re thinking about dialing will provide that, suggests Dr. Saad. Different people in our lives fulfill different needs, both when it comes to real-life interactions and phone conversations. For example, you’ll probably want to call your best friend rather than your grandma for advice on your latest situationship. (Unless, of course, you do have that kind of relationship with your grandma…in which case, go for it.)
Alexis Berger (she/her) is a writer and editor with more than a decade of experience. Previously the deputy editor at Well+Good, she now specializes in creating health, wellness, lifestyle, travel, and beauty content for a number of publications, including InStyle, Self, GQ, Well+Good, Business Insider, and more.
