If “soft swinging” is all over your TikTok right now, you can thank Mormon influencer Taylor Frankie Paul for popularizing the term. But if you don’t know the story behind the drama by now, it’s time to familiarize yourself.
In 2022, Paul became the face of #MomTok, a group of Mormon mom influencers who shared glimpses of their lives online. But in May of that same year, Paul shook the Internet when she announced that she and a group of her friends and their partners were engaging in “soft-swap swinging.”
According to Paul, the lack of boundaries established while swinging led to her divorce from ex-husband Tate Paul, and also contributed to tension with some of the other women involved too. Since then, #MomTok has been quiet. But the topic of soft swinging has recently resurfaced again, with Paul now starring in the new Hulu reality TV series “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.”
With the spotlight back on Paul, many people – including her fellow cast members on the show – are once again curious about what is soft swinging. Below, certified sex therapist Emily May shares more details about soft swinging, including what a soft swap is and how it’s different from regular swinging.
Though Paul clarifies she is no longer exploring the non-monogamy world with her current partner Dakota Mortensen, she still remains the face behind what her fellow cast refers to as “the scandal.”
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Emily May is an AASECT certified sex therapist and writer at Private Sugar Club, an online dating platform.
What Is Soft Swinging?
Also known as a soft swap, soft swinging is when couples get intimate with others but don’t have intercourse, Dr. May says. “This could include kissing, cuddling, and everything but penetration. Intercourse stays reserved for your partner.”
In an episode of “The Viall Files,” Paul shared that she and the other people involved in swinging would often be in the same room with each other, “making out in the same bed” or “[having] intercourse in the same bed next to each other.”
As some of Paul’s cast members point out in the show, however, the lines often seem blurred. “I just love how it’s like, ‘OK, we can do everything but sex so it’s fine,’ but it’s like, no, you’re sucking someone’s dick,” Jessi Ngatikaura, cast member and fellow #MomTok member, says in the first episode.
The Difference Between Swinging and Soft Swinging
The biggest difference is that swinging “allows” penetration with other people, while soft swinging includes any sexual act besides penetration with other people. “Soft swinging is more of the PG-13 version of a full on swap, where you’re exploring intimacy with others, but intercourse stays reserved for your partner,” Dr. May says.
As couples explore non-monogamy or an open relationship, they may start by soft swinging, and then, as their relationship progresses, they may decide they’d like to start swinging all the way. Of course, this is contingent on your relationship and the boundaries established.
Rules of Soft Swinging
The rules of soft swinging will look different for every couple, as it will largely depend on each individual’s comfort levels and preferences. For this reason, it’s absolutely vital to set rules and boundaries before ever introducing swinging or soft swinging into your relationship.
“Many couples have a list of what’s allowed and what’s absolutely off-limits, and that list can make or break the experience,” Dr. May says. Some of the most common rules clarify what physical acts are allowed, where the swinging will take place, and how often the swinging will occur. For example, some things many couples may need to think about when setting these rules:
- Can you kiss someone else?
- Can you have penetrative sex with someone else?
- Can you only swing when your partner is also present?
- Can you be in a separate room away from your partner?
- Can you swing on your own terms or do you have to be with your partner?
- Can you swing whenever you want or is it reserved for a few nights a month? A year? A week?
For Paul, she mentioned that her experience swinging lacked boundaries, which ultimately led to her gaining romantic feelings for another person involved outside of her husband.
Is a Soft Swap Right For You?
If you’re interested in exploring non-monogamy with a partner, a soft swap could be an option for you – but not without communicating very clearly with your partner first. “You have to reach a state of emotional openness with your partner where you’re comfortable being honest about how you feel about all of the scenarios that might occur, putting ego and pride aside,” Dr. May says. “If you don’t discuss everything that can possibly happen during soft swinging escapades, it can lead to jealousy, resentment and a reality TV-style meltdown.”
Most importantly, however, don’t try soft swapping just because it seems fun or because it’s trending right now. “Do it because you and your partner have talked it through and decided, together, that this is something you want to explore,” Dr. May says.
Taylor Andrews is a PS Balance editor who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.
