Picture this: It’s been a week of messaging with a match and you finally set up a date. You settle on an outfit, do your hair, slick on a subtle lip tint. At the bar, you spot them right away: leather jacket, stirring a negroni. You approach, engage in the awkward to-hug-or-not-to-hug dance, take a seat. Smile. They look you up and down, give the negroni another stir, and say, “Wow, nice shirt. Did your mom pick that out for you?”
Ha ha. Very funny. You’re laughing, and then you’re not. Suddenly you’re self-conscious. You specifically chose this polka dot mock-neck tee because you thought it was cute but sexy without going overboard! You wonder, Have I just been negged? How do I respond?
On a date, repartee is important. Desire for banter is only growing – just ask US Tinder users, who, according to the Los Angeles Times, have listed “banter” on their profiles 7 percent more frequently since 2022. (Or ask any contestant on “Love Island UK.”) But in a situation like this, what might have been meant as a flirty observation instead came across as disparaging – a form of derogatory communication known as negging.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is negging and what is just good old fashioned flirting, but experts say the difference lies in the speaker’s intent. Negging crosses a line into emotional manipulation because it’s intended to take another person down a peg. It uses humor and back-handed compliments to trigger someone’s insecurities, giving the speaker the upper hand.
“In a clinical sense, [negging] is a microaggression,” psychotherapist Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, tells PS. “It sounds nice initially but there’s a zinger attached to it. It’s a tiny, subtle hint of something that is intended to make somebody feel bad, but it’s not overt. And it can be packaged quite nicely, which can be confusing for people.”
In romantic settings, negging is a device used to make another person feel bad about themselves so that they’ll be more likely to work for your approval. But not all sarcastic, quippy humor qualifies as negging (thank god). We asked two experts to break down the meaning of negging, its potential to do harm, and the differences between emotional manipulation and good-hearted banter.
Experts Featured in This Article
Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, is a psychotherapist.
Claudia Johnson, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist and sexologist.
What Is Negging?
The origin of the term negging is enough to raise some serious suspicion about its legitimacy within dating and relationships. It was coined by the “Pick-Up Artists” of the early 2000s, and described in a 2004 New York Times essay by one of their own as “neither a compliment nor an insult,” but a negative comment with two purposes: “to momentarily lower a woman’s self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest.” The negging example given in the essay? “Nice nails. Are they real? No? Oh, they look nice anyway.”
Because its loudest practitioners are men, people primarily assume negging is a male behavior acted out upon women. On Reddit, a group called Women Dating Over Forty has a thread titled “What is negging?” in which the authors of the post write, “‘Negging’ is giving backhanded compliments or comments toward another person (usually a female).”
In truth, anyone can neg, regardless of gender, says sex therapist Claudia Johnson, LMFT. But negging might be more commonly used by those socialized as male because men generally have fewer tools for communication at their disposal.
“Oftentimes, women have more opportunities to expand on their emotional vocabulary than guys,” Johnson says. (To paraphrase Tony Soprano: “We’re just bustin’ balls!”)
“They make fun of each other, that’s a way to connect,” she says. It’s a generalization, sure, but a lot of times men have less access to their emotions and rely on humor or insults to establish intimacy. “If guys don’t have that same opportunity to be vulnerable and compliment one another, some of the ways they’re trying to connect may be seen as negging.”
Negging vs. Banter
Because of its proximity to flirtation, some people claim to enjoy being negged. A 2023 essay in defense of negging from The Cut describes the behavior as a “method of building intimacy without being too earnest, too cheesy, or God forbid, love bombing.”
Jordana Abraham, co-founder of Betches and host of dating podcast “U Up?,” told The Cut, “People appreciate the idea of keeping it light or keeping it funny, feeling like someone can share a similar sense of humor. Being made fun of a little bit about something can bring two people together, like they’re almost in on an inside joke.”
Light-hearted jabs and recreational insults can offer mental and verbal stimulation for some, Johnson admits. And there’s no doubt that humor is a really useful mechanism to build new interpersonal connections. “Humor is a great way to regulate our nervous system, to find levity, and to connect. It’s one of our great tools [for] disarming defensiveness or conflict,” Johnson says.
But all of that can be accomplished without actively trying to sabotage another person’s self-worth. Banter is like a tennis match: You volley until someone runs out of funny quips and then you move on to the next subject. But in negging, there is no back and forth. It’s one-sided. And it’s designed to make the other person feel less-than and in need of validation.
What differentiates negging from banter, Johnson says, is that the two parties are “not necessarily on equal footing.” Flirtatious banter builds intimacy. It’s inviting, it’s collaborative. Whereas negging, which is calculated, can destroy a person’s self-esteem.
How Do I know If I’m Being Negged or Negging?
Because everyone has different tastes and sensitivities, red flags to watch for around negging are less about what is said and more about how it makes a person feel.
“It’s the subtext,” Dr. Crain says. “Does that feel supportive or does that feel like they’re being hard on you? The line is going to be person-dependent. For some people there’s maybe a higher threshold.”
Much of what qualifies negging as emotional manipulation is its subtlety. Because the insult is often wrapped in humor, the person being negged might blame themselves for being oversensitive or unable to take a joke. But microaggressions like negging are cumulative, Dr. Crain says, and they do the most harm over time. “When you’re constantly zinging people on the daily, that could erode a relationship,” she adds.
Still, tons of romantic hopefuls rely on sarcastic humor to do their flirting. If you’re one of them, no need to panic, Johnson assures. You’re not automatically negging; that will depend on how you respond to feedback about your comments.
Ultimately, Johnson says, if someone is feeling bad, they have the right to say exactly that. The other person’s reaction will be a good indication of whether they were truly negging or just making a clumsy attempt to flirt.
“A great compass is to ask, ‘Would I feel OK and comfortable if somebody said the same thing back to me?'” Johnson offers. The golden rule still applies, after all, even two or three negronis in.
Emma Glassman-Hughes is the associate editor at PS Balance. Before joining PS, her freelance and staff reporting roles spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, travel for Here Magazine, and food, climate, and agriculture for Ambrook Research.
