In early 2023, I’d been seeing my first-ever therapist for about six months. I felt like we’d mined the depths of my traumas together, and she knew the dynamics of my friends and family. We had our own secret language, and then – for a very good reason that had nothing to do with me – she quit.
After taking almost six months off to nurse what felt like a vulnerability hangover, I found my second therapist. We clicked instantly, and I started to fill her in on the details of my life. After only a handful of sessions, I could already measure the progress I was making. She taught me somatic exercises to help me manage my anxiety and even recommended a few books to help me commit to introspection in my spare time. I left our appointments feeling like I’d unveiled pieces of myself, which is exactly what I’ve always wanted from therapy.
Then last month, I received an email asking if we could talk. She was leaving the practice – again, for a legitimate reason that had nothing to do with me.
Now that I’ve had a few weeks to process these back-to-back therapist breakups, I’m trying to find a way forward. Should I jump back into therapy? Take a breather? Demand a two-year minimum contract from all future therapists? (JK?!?)
If you, too, are dealing with a therapist breakup, Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, of Mindful Kindness Counseling, and Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, of Rachel Goldberg Therapy, say that the complex feelings brewing inside of you right now are completely normal. Here’s why this severed relationship hurts so bad and how you can take steps toward healing.
Experts Featured in This Article
Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, is a licensed professional counselor with Mindful Kindness Counseling.
Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and the founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy.
Why It Hurts When Your Therapist Quits
The nature of the therapist-client relationship makes going your separate ways really difficult. “One of the pillars of effective therapy is the connection or bond that develops between therapist and client,” says Goldberg. Right now, you may feel like that sacred bond has been broken.
Chances are you’ve entrusted your therapist with your innermost secrets, desires, and fears. In fact, in some cases, they may be the only person who knows personal details about you. Having that relationship ripped away may leave you feeling alone and misunderstood. “During the therapy process, clients come to feel cared for, accepted, and even loved by their therapist. So when that relationship ends, not by the client’s choice, it can feel like rejection, which can run deep, especially for a client who has shared things they’ve never told anyone before,” Goldberg says.
Those with self-esteem or abandonment struggles may take the split even harder. “For someone who inherently feels something is wrong with them or has been told they are ‘too much,’ or that they will never truly be loved, this can exacerbate those feelings as they take it as confirmation of their beliefs,” says Goldberg.
A financially fueled split may lead to even more emotional carnage. For example, if your therapist increases their rate to a price that no longer feels affordable for you, you may be inclined to take their price increase personally (even if you know, logically, that their choice had nothing to do with you).
3 Ways to Advocate for Yourself When Your Therapist Bows Out
If your therapist gives notice, it’s time for you to represent your wants and needs as you finish your last session, or sessions, and think about your future in counseling.
1. Use Your Last Session to Seek Some Closure
Normally, your therapist will ask you if you’d like a termination session, or a last appointment to wrap things up and review what you’ve uncovered together. “While there are various reasons a therapist might terminate with a client – whether it’s due to insurance changes, moving, or feeling they can’t work within the scope of what the client needs – it’s essential that they approach termination with sensitivity and care, keeping the client’s well-being at the forefront,” Goldberg says.
It’s also a good time to express your frustrations and fears, so that you can move forward feeling like you’ve reconciled.
2. Ask Your Therapist to Draw Up Notes You Can Give Your Future Therapist
According to Scott, you can also ask your therapist to compile notes about what you’ve discussed together, including any unmet goals you created together. Your therapist may also offer to research replacement therapists for you who take your insurance or remain within your budget.
If your therapist doesn’t offer you either of these parting services, feel free to ask. The worst they can say is no, right?
3. Take a Break If You Need One
“If you don’t want to look for a therapist right now, that’s okay. You can take a break,” says Scott. During your time off, you can consider what you learned from your last therapist and what you may want in future counseling relationships.
“Start asking your Facebook groups, or friends, or the other parents at school if they have recommendations,” Scott says. “Just say, ‘Hey, I’m in the market for a therapist. Do you happen to know somebody?'” Personal referrals allow you to enter a new therapy relationship with some trust already in place, which you may be craving after your last relationship ended in tears.
In the future, Scott says it’s perfectly within your rights to ask your therapist about their near-future plans. Do they intend to change practices? Strike out on their own and only take out-of-pocket clients? Don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation and stand up for future you.
That said, if you find that you’re really struggling to move past your therapist break up several weeks later, and especially if your reaction is disrupting your life in any way, consider seeking immediate help. If you don’t have another mental health professional you can speak to, another option is to call or text 988 to reach a crisis counselors at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, who’ll be able to provide emotional support.
Kells McPhillips is a health and wellness writer living in Los Angeles. In addition to PS, her journalism has appeared in The New York Times, Well+Good, Fortune, Runner’s World, Outside, Yoga Journal, and others. On the brand side, she regularly works with Peloton, Calm, and Equinox.
