If you had asked me at 16 what my day-to-day would look like when I was older, I probably would have mentioned being married, raising a kid, and all the other “normal” steps we sometimes take in life. There was no way I could have imagined myself single, living alone with my rescue dog, and washing down four different psychopharmaceutical medications each night. Conceptualizing that I would be diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, C-PTSD, anxiety, and ADHD would have sent me into a panic. And yet, that is my reality today.
This is why I was so grateful and moved by Chappell Roan’s recent soundcheck speech about her struggle with bipolar II disorder. In a TikTok video posted on October 3, the “Pink Pony Club” singer shared a vulnerable moment with the crowd present during her soundcheck after one fan asked how she handles her mental health.
“I’m bipolar II depressive,” Roan said. “I’m lucky enough to find the right meds, and it’s really hard right now, though. I didn’t think I was depressed…and I think it’s from severe burnout.” Roan cited getting enough sleep on the road as a mechanism for keeping her from going into hypomania (a less heightened version of mania specific to people with bipolar II).
But she also addressed the misconceptions around the condition, particularly regarding how it presents and impacts her boundaries with paparazzi and eager fans.
Take for instance the viral clip of Roan snapping back at a photographer who first yelled at her to “shut up” on the VMAs red carpet. People made judgements about her mental state after that interaction, assuming that bipolar disorder means she’s always “hot and cold,” Roan said during the sound check.
“It’s another thing online [where people say] ‘well obviously, she’s bipolar, of course she’s gonna lash out at photographers’ and I’m like, I know all the bipolar bitches are like, ‘What? What are you talking about?’… The thing is, it’s such a sliding scale… it’s not what we’ve always been told.”
“I am not crazy, nor does my bipolar II diagnosis mean I’m constantly moody or impulsive.”
As one of the “bipolar b**ches” out there, I couldn’t agree more with everything Roan shared. People make assumptions all the time when it comes to my emotions and behaviors. In times when I’ve lashed out or acted out of character for any reason other than being hypomanic, there were plenty of instances where friends or family assumed I was having an episode. There have also been times where I was giddy and excited about a new career accomplishment or acting silly when out with friends, and someone piped up with “Are you manic right now?” Whether they were joking or not, that is not OK, and it makes me feel helpless against the weight of all the stigma and blatant misunderstanding about people with bipolar disorder.
Both mine and Roan’s point is that too many people view bipolar disorder as a one-dimensional illness that causes people to have instantaneous and unexpected mood swings, at any moment, which makes them unstable and unpredictable. For me personally, this “Jekyll and Hyde” portrayal is the most frustrating misconception.
I am not crazy, nor does my bipolar II diagnosis mean I’m constantly moody or impulsive. While, sure, humor is a coping mechanism for me and I love to make jokes about my mental illnesses from time to time – it does get under my skin when the people around me make broad (and often incorrect or even offensive) judgements about me based on my condition. That said, I love that Roan shared her experience so candidly, especially as someone in the brightest possible spotlight.
To be clear, according to the Mayo Clinic, bipolar II specifically causes people like myself and Roan to have longer and more frequent periods of depression, and less frequent and shorter periods of hypomania. Like Roan, I’m very lucky to have a medical care team that found the right medications for me and a therapist who has taught me so many healthy coping mechanisms and habits. But bipolar disorder involves a spectrum of experiences and symptoms..
I, for one, may be on these four medications for the rest of my life. I may end up back in inpatient treatment again one day. It’s impossible to predict the future, but I do know that I am so blessed to feel happy and stable in my life right now. My medications keep me feeling balanced, calm, and like myself every single day. After years of trial and error with my doctors to find the perfect mix of prescriptions and doses, I rarely deal with depressive or hypomanic episodes. I’m able to feel joy, and on the flip side, feel pain or sadness without having it spiral me into a long-term depression. I can manage my own emotions and take care of myself because I am privileged enough to have the care that I need. Not everyone has that privilege, but that doesn’t give others the right to make assumptions about their mental state.
And Chappell Roan made that perfectly clear in her soundcheck speech. I already loved Roan, her music, and her advocacy for important social issues. But her vulnerability and willingness to normalize our shared condition during that conversation really resonated with me.
As an established journalist, I do have some level of visibility online (not nearly to the magnitude of Roan’s, to be clear) – so I know that my name has been connected with personal details I’ve publicly shared about how my mental health impacts my life. I can’t imagine how overwhelming that might feel at Roan’s level of fame, but I am so thankful that she took time to speak on the topic and express how important it is to break through the stigma and see each other for the humans we all are rather than the diagnoses we may have.
And, to Roan: From one “bipolar bitch” to another – it means more than you know.
Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer on Bustle’s Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.
