Dirty dishes left in the sink, an overflowing laundry basket, the simple question “What’s for dinner?” If you’re in an unbalanced marriage, these simple things might make one member of the couple cringe. And if left unaddressed early on, these small irritants can easily escalate into larger problems in the relationship. Pew Research Center found that sharing household chores is ranked as one of the top three most important factors associated with a successful marriage (ranking above even “adequate income”).
For Breadwinner Wives in heterosexual marriages, one might expect that their husbands would be contributing equally (if not more) in the household, but this is not the case. Research shows that husbands of Breadwinner Wives spend almost 13 hours less time weekly on non-paid work and childcare compared to their wives.
Are gender norms to blame? A 2024 Pew study found that 2 in 5 Americans, or 43 percent, agree that “society is not accepting enough when it comes to men taking on roles typically associated with women.” Half of women (49 percent) agreed with this statement, as did 6 in 10 Democratic leaners (59 percent). This same survey found that the majority of US adults believe that changing gender roles make it easier for women to be successful and to lead satisfying lives. So why is laundry and shopping still so gendered?
In my research with Breadwinner Wives, I found a range of lived experiences with sharing household responsibilities. And, importantly, there seems to be a positive correlation with the couples’ happiness when there is more equity at home. Couples with Breadwinner Wives fall into three main categories when it comes to the division of housework and childcare, and experiences within all three types can help inform how couples can share household chores more equitably – and be happier together as a result.
The Men Who Pull Their Weight
There were several Breadwinner Wives I spoke to whose husbands did their fair share (if not more) of both household chores and childcare. These women were very satisfied with their marriages overall, as well as the split of roles and responsibilities.
Jacqueline, a Breadwinner Wife I interviewed in 2023, bought herself a magnet that says “domestically disabled.” She claims that her husband is both neater and cooks more than she does. Carly, another Breadwinner Wife I interviewed, described her husband Arif as “more of a perfectionist.” She admitted, “If I cleaned, the house would not be as nice.” One of the Breadwinner Wives I surveyed said, “I would be a terrible homemaker compared to my spouse! He is truly a ‘domestic artist’ (his preferred term).” Another survey respondent stated, “I couldn’t do this job, this role without such a wonderful, supportive husband who takes on as much as he does in our home, with our children, etc.” I should also say that when my husband Travis was a stay-at-home dad, he did all of the shopping, cooking, laundry and child shuttling (and continues to be the sole cook in our household). In each of these relationships, both partners were happy with the split of responsibilities, and they also felt valued for their contributions.
The Men Who Do Not Pull Their Weight
Far more Breadwinner Wives I spoke to lamented the fact that their husbands were not contributing as much to housework and childcare as they would like. For two Breadwinner Wives I interviewed, Jane and Elena, their husbands not pulling their weight was a key contributor to the dissolution of their marriages.
Jane was an executive in Dallas whose husband, Rex, decided to pursue a career in music management after being laid off from his broadcasting job. Despite the fact that Rex was not earning an income and had more time on his hands, he made a declaration that “I don’t do laundry or floors” and never took on his share of the housework, Jane told me. Even more vexing for Jane was constantly hearing from the neighborhood stay-at-home moms about how wonderful Rex was because they would see him out and about with their school-aged children. Jane felt overwhelmed with coming home after work and having to deal with all of the household responsibilities, and she felt bitterness that her husband was able to spend more time with their children (and get praised for driving carpool).
Elena and her husband Bill met in college. While Elena’s career skyrocketed, Bill’s career floundered. When their second son was 4 months old, Elena received a promotion and the family relocated to Miami. At this point, Bill was not working, but he didn’t offer to help out with either childcare or housework, according to Elena. So Elena sourced and hired a live-in nanny, a housekeeper, and a gardener. Elena was raised in a Latin household where her father didn’t lift a finger in the home, she told me. Instead of asking for help, she tried to do it all. The stress of work, taking care of her sons, and managing everything in the household took a toll on her physical health, and she started resenting the fact that Bill was not contributing more. Elena and Bill have since divorced. In retrospect, Elena recognizes that she didn’t explicitly ask Bill to step up more in the relationship. She kept hoping that he would volunteer (which clearly didn’t happen). Instead of asking for what she wanted, Elena’s default was to do things herself or spend money to outsource chores.
The Men Who Fall Somewhere in Between
The majority of Breadwinner Wives I spoke to fall in between those two extremes. Their husbands were contributing to the household and childcare, but maybe not as much (or not in the specific areas) that the Breadwinner Wife would prefer.
Cindy acknowledged that the discipline and sense of order that helps her in her professional life has been detrimental in her personal life. “I remember talking about it in therapy . . . Me telling Cole how to load the dishwasher. And my therapist is like, ‘Shut up. He is loading the dishwasher.'” Feeling as if you are going to get reprimanded if chores are not done to your partner’s standards can be discouraging. Instead of adapting, partners (of both genders) might opt out of doing the chore altogether.
Here are some tips for couples (and especially couples with Breadwinner Wives) to ensure that typical gender roles and an unequal division of household labor are not impacting your relationship.
Ask for what you need and load balance as needed.
Several Breadwinner Wives I spoke to grew up in traditional homes where their mothers stayed home and/or ran everything in the household while they were also working. These women recognize in hindsight that instead of asking their husbands to do more specific chores or help more with childcare, they did everything themselves and became martyrs. That’s why it’s important to schedule a conversation to talk about what each of you are contributing to the household and what you want help with.
Shari, a Breadwinner Wife and tech executive, told me about the importance of load-balancing based on whose schedules were busier. “When work was insane for me, Mateo would take over the taxes for the year. And whenever I was in between startups, I would take over the taxes,” she told me. “Or, we would alternate paying the bills based upon whose life was crazier at the time.”
A Breadwinner Wife survey respondent suggested, “Decide early on how things get divided, but it can’t be set in stone. You have to live through it and see if it’s a good fit and then agree to be flexible and change responsibilities as needed.” Another survey respondent commented, “For the first two years after our child was born, we struggled with these roles; I was doing most of them and I was working full time. My husband has stepped up and takes more responsibilities now with our child and I think we’re both happier with the split and we’re both VERY busy.”
Try not to be a perfectionist.
Over time, Cindy learned to let Cole load the dishwasher his own way. In my research, I’ve found that many Breadwinner Wives also happen to be a little bit type A. Remember, your spouse is not your employee. Also, while it’s easy to focus on the chores that may not have gotten done, it’s important to also give your spouse positive affirmations for their other contributions. A Breadwinner Wife survey respondent provided the following advice: “It’s okay to split responsibility. It’s okay to have dishes in the sink one or two nights a week. It’s okay for him to clean something and do an okay job even if it’s not exactly how you’d do it.” Another respondent discussed the perils of micromanagement. “My spouse recently told me that I needed to stop trying to micromanage things like school work, because it was more stressful for all involved.”
Normalize, don’t celebrate, contributions.
Like Jane, who was mentioned earlier, many Breadwinner Wives were annoyed at how many accolades their husbands received for doing everyday activities like driving carpool, shopping with children in tow, and cooking family dinners (even if it was just grilled meat). My Breadwinner Wife survey respondents articulated this pain very well. One shared, “I do several things and never announce it. He does one thing and feels I need to throw a party.” Another put this plainly: “My husband gets accolades for doing basic childcare or housework, despite having much more free time and the supporting role.” A third stated, “This is a major issue in our home and one we haven’t been able to get past in over 10 years of marriage. He feels he does more than any other guy he knows. As we live in an area with predominantly stay-at-home moms, I remind him that he should compare his efforts to the women we know, rather than the breadwinning men.”
For example, if you overhear conversations about how great it is that Scott can make it to all of his second graders basketball games, you can respond, “Yes, Mary travels a lot for work. It’s nice that little Johnny is able to have a parent watch his games.” If your partner makes a big deal about making dinner on taco Tuesday, you should thank him for preparing dinner, but then remind him of all of the other meals you prepared this week (including school lunches) without receiving any acknowledgment.
Until we normalize men’s contributions in the household and with childcare, the Breadwinner Wife Penalty will persist.
Michele Madansky is a digital research and advertising pioneer and sought-after media and market research consultant. Over her 15 years as a consultant, she has worked with top digital brands and media companies, including Spotify, Pinterest, YouTube, and Adobe. Madansky holds a Bachelor of Science from Brown University, and an MBA and PhD from the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business.
