Revving a sports car. Hiking a stunning trail. Taking a caviar bump. Surfing a massive wave. These aren’t the pursuits most girls are encouraged to chase as they grow up – and for the “cool aunts” of TikTok, that’s exactly the point.
Of all the trends that sweep through the app, this one has harnessed the joy of self-determination better than any other. Set to a Kanye song remixed with a track by Nemzzz, a “cool aunt” video (sometimes called “Plan B”) typically opens with a list that reads something like: “Plan A: married by 25, homeowner by 27, kids by 30.” But when the beat drops, so do a slew of clips of all the amazing things the creator has done with her life instead of hitting those conventional benchmarks. The screen reads, “Plan B: cool aunt.” Cue the bucket-list travel and the red carpets and the bungee jumps.
You don’t need an actual niece or nephew to qualify as a cool aunt on TikTok – just a camera and a zest for life. (And a well-endowed bank account never hurts.)
One Los Angeles college student joined in on the trend this year, soon after her 21st birthday. Hershy (we’ve withheld her last name for privacy reasons) tells Popsugar that her mom got married at 21, prompting Hershy to reflect on “what it means to be an adult and be the first woman in my family who has actual choice in regards to children and marriage.”
“I feel at this age that my goals are limitless versus when I was younger.”
She says her goals for herself have shifted as she’s grown up and gained more independence. “When I was younger, there [was] only one path presented to me in life: study hard, marry by 26, have kids, and care for my family,” she tells PS over email. “As I got older, I realized that this path never truly served me or the women before me. My dreams for myself are so much bigger and are supported by generations of women before me who fought for me to have the opportunity to live life on my own terms.”
@heyimhershy find out what ends up happening in 5-7 years 🙂↔️
Kelsey Kawamoto, a 33-year-old Denver-based digital nomad and another cool aunt of TikTok, says she’s experienced a similar transformation in her mindset as she’s gotten older, having surpassed the ages by which she once thought she “had to hit certain stereotypical ‘adult’ checklist marks.”
“Creating this video made me feel proud of myself for all the ‘Plan B’ opportunities that were possible in my life because I didn’t follow the traditional ‘Plan A’ schedule,” she says. “I feel at this age that my goals are limitless versus when I was younger.”
Ten years ago, she says, she saw herself leading a more conventional life, as a married homeowner with kids. But now, the goal that ranks highest for her is to build her own wealth through a job that grants her flexibility in where and how she works. “I want to travel as much as possible and spend my free time doing the things that make me happiest.”
That’s not to say that marriage and kids are necessarily antithetical to finding your bliss. But fewer straight women are finding suitable partners as the ideology gap widens between genders. And raising children today comes with its own set of unique challenges, like a crumbling reproductive healthcare system and unaffordable childcare; like navigating threats from gun violence, climate change, and AI; and like the still uneven burden of emotional labor that mothers absorb. A through line in so many of the cool aunt videos is the message that the choice to become a wife or a parent should always be just that: a choice.
“Women are so often expected to dim themselves as they grow older . . . but growing older doesn’t mean giving up your own sense of self.”
And in turn, you can choose to become something else entirely, especially with the money you save from not having to pay for a wedding, pay for a mortgage, or pay for childcare costs.
Kawamoto, for instance, sent her email responses to me from the cruise ship she’s living on for the next few weeks, traveling from Alaska to Japan. As a digital nomad, she spends the money she would have otherwise put toward rent on travel costs. “If I did have the common responsibilities that [come] with being a full-time parent I don’t believe I would be able to live the spontaneous and free life that I am currently,” she says.
@kelseykawamoto
Kawamoto isn’t just an aunt on TikTok, though; she actually has two nephews in real life, too, and she takes her role as a caretaker very seriously: “I will know I have achieved my mission as a ‘cool aunt’ when my nephews live life authentically and not just by what they think they should do because of societal norms.”
TikTok has seen a smattering of “cool uncles,” too – guys who post their own versions of the Plan A and Plan B format. But while independence, curiosity, and a sense of adventure are fostered in most boys and men from an early age, women and queer people have had to fight for the space to consider their own freedom before signing over their lives in service of others.
Hershy, who hopes to build a career in dance, music, fashion, or content creation after graduation, feels like she hit her cool aunt milestones when she hosted her first Diwali-Halloween party in her college apartment, and when she flew from LA to New York City alone to attend New York Fashion Week.
“Cool aunt is an energy!” she explains. “Women are so often expected to dim themselves as they grow older and to build their identity around motherhood and marriage, but growing older doesn’t mean giving up your own sense of self. Being a ‘cool aunt’ simply means being a mature girl who lives her best life on her own terms.”
Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is the associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she’s covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.
