“The sex is so good,” you say. The way they touch you, the way they make you feel . . . It’s like it doesn’t matter that they take days to respond to your texts or forget when it’s your birthday. You convince yourself the connection is more than chemistry; it’s real and electric and something you’ve never felt before. But deep down, you know the sex is the one thing – the only thing – keeping you in a toxic relationship.
“Sometimes two people happen to have great chemistry but terrible compatibility,” sex coach Suzannah Weiss says. Yet even with this distinction, there’s something about sex in toxic relationships that just hits different.
Sure, your partner may refuse to unfollow that model on TikTok or claim they “don’t know how” to share their location with you, but at least you orgasm when you have sex, and it must be a good sign that the coochie tingles are present the few times you get some attention from them, too.
Eventually though, the sex may begin to feel more like an obsession or an addiction, as opposed to a natural part of a healthy connection – and you may convince yourself you have to stay in the toxic relationship because the sex is just that good. Fortunately, that doesn’t have to be the case. Below, Weiss explains why the sex in toxic relationships could be deceiving you.
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Suzannah Weiss is a dating coach and resident sexologist for Biird, a female-led pleasure brand.
Why Does Sex Feel So Good in Toxic Relationships?
Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship before knows about the ups and downs that come with this kind of dynamic, which can present many opportunities for hate sex and breakup sex. “Because of the breakup or fight, their partner’s affection doesn’t feel like a given, so there is an element of surprise to receiving [sex] that feels extremely rewarding,” Weiss says.
Another reason why the sex could feel so good in toxic relationships is because it’s inconsistent: You may never know when your partner is going to be “on” enough to give you any sort of attention – physically or emotionally. “Some people get excited and aroused by the thrill of a relationship that is chaotic and unpredictable,” Weiss says.
This could be because of your attachment style, Weiss says. If the person you’re seeing is constantly pushing you away and then coming back to you, this could make people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style even more attached.
It’s also possible the only time you feel close to this person is when you’re being intimate. You may not receive love in the way you want with them normally, so having sex feels like a great time to capitalize on the validation you’ve been missing.
Most importantly though, it’s important to realize that you’re not having the best sex of your life because you’re in a toxic relationship. “The sex isn’t great because the relationship is toxic,” Weiss says. “Because the relationship is toxic, it makes the sex seem even better in contrast to the relationship.”
How to Get Out of the Toxic-Relationship Sex Trap
It’s absolutely possible to be in a healthy relationship and also have an incredible sex life. But if you’ve noticed a pattern of having better sex with toxic partners, it may be helpful to look at your attachment style. “It might benefit you to go to therapy and discuss your early familial relationships,” Weiss says. “People drawn to toxic partners may have an anxious attachment style, where they are clingy and needy in relationships, or an avoidant one, where they are afraid of intimacy but secretly crave it.”
It’s also important to realize that great sex with a toxic partner likely has little to do with their toxicity. “Think back on [a toxic partner’s] qualities: were there other qualities of theirs that you enjoyed? You can find those in a partner who’s not toxic,” Weiss adds.
Once you get into a relationship that feels more stable and consistent though, you will likely feel more comfortable. And when you’re comfortable with someone, you may be more open to exploring a new role-play fantasy or kink because you trust the person you’re with. Eventually, it’s possible you’ll even find a partner who makes you orgasm just as fast as they text you back – something that isn’t as rare as you think.
Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.
