“I decided I’ll go to the Royal Rumble with you,” I texted my super dead friend Jeff.
He’d been harassing me to go for months, and I kept shooting him down, dreading the travel. Then the dude died on me. Now all I wanted to do was go.
Jeff was the guy I texted daily with bad jokes and rants on wrestling news. The first night without him, I broke down while watching “Monday Night Raw,” but then I picked up the phone and texted him as if nothing had changed.
Over the next week, the texts continued. I liked to imagine how bizarre he would think it all was. I texted him that I was furious that he didn’t take better care of his health, dying at 46. I texted him an invitation to the party his other friends and I were holding in his honor – the first-ever (and probably only) Jeff A. Fest in all the world! I billed him for the party refreshments.
I told Jeff stuff I never told him when he was alive – that I missed him; that I loved him – and as the months carried on and the conversation continued, my loss became more bearable.
Messaging deceased loved ones is a modern-day evolution of the therapeutic practice of letter writing and journaling, says psychologist Dan Wolfson, PsyD. It allows people to work through emotions, share things left unsaid, and integrate the memory of a person into their new life post-loss.
Experts Featured in This Article
Dan Wolfson, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in New York City and was the clinical director of Experience Camps for grieving children.
Claire Bidwell Smith, LCPC, is a grief therapist and author whose latest book is “Conscious Grieving: A Transformative Approach to Healing From Loss.”
Tanya S. Crabb, PsyD, also known as Dr. Brooklyn Chick, is a Marine Corps veteran and a licensed clinical psychologist.
“There’s a sense of incongruence we feel when we are wanting to talk to someone, and then we don’t try to,” grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith, LCPC, tells PS. When you lose a loved one, there may be a hole in your life, and it takes time to accept that and learn to live again.
“When that person is gone, we still yearn to communicate with them,” Bidwell Smith says. “We still yearn to tell them about our days and talk to them and share things. And when we deny that urge . . . it lends itself to anxiety. It lends itself to irritability. It lends itself to loneliness, and when we push those things away, it’s an unhealthy way of coping with grief. When we lean into the urge to communicate with them and talk to them, it helps us get to a more peaceful place.”
Bidwell Smith’s mother passed away in 1998 when she was 18. “On the one-year anniversary of her death, I was climbing the walls, wanting to talk to her. I missed her so much. I had so much I wanted to tell her about the last year. There were things I wanted to apologize for,” she says. “I finally sat down and wrote her a letter, and it became the start of many letters that I wrote to her. I worked through a lot of guilt and regret in those letters.”
Messaging, on the other hand, whether through text, WhatsApp, or messenger, offers a way to transition from the all-encompassing, painful, early stages of grief to a place where your grief may be present, but is integrated into your life, Dr. Wolfson says.
“Texting offers a sense of control during an overwhelming time,” says psychologist Tanya S. Crabb, PsyD. “When you share daily updates, like ‘Today, I experienced . . .,” you’re not just recording your day, you’re gradually building a dialogue that helps you process your grief on your own terms. It becomes a personal space where you can work through feelings of hopelessness and gently move toward healing, letting go at a pace that feels right for you.”
There is a line between healing and avoidance though, and if messaging “becomes the only way you engage with your loss, avoiding real-world connections and deeper, in-person healing,” Dr. Crabb says, “it might start to feel like denial.”
Don’t use messaging to evade emotions, Dr. Wolfson says, adding that some may be afraid of confronting difficult emotions out of fear that they’re “not going to be able to get out of it.” But Dr. Wolfson says that isn’t the case: “Emotions have an ebb and flow to them, and there might be a peak, but then there’s a catharsis afterwards. Having a good cry is really, really healthy.”
When Dr. Wolfson’s mom died in 2004, when he was also 18, his dad contacted their friends and family members to share pictures and stories so he could create a memory book – similar to the modern practice of posting stories and photos in a public forum, such as an online guestbook or a WhatsApp group. In 2009, Facebook began memorializing accounts when someone passed away, so friends and family could still post messages to and about loved ones. “This collective sharing not only validates your grief but also creates a supportive environment where everyone can remember and honor the person together,” says Dr. Crabb.
When messaging your friend, Dr. Crabb recommends using these prompts: Express your appreciation for them, saying something like, “I wish I could tell you how every day your love inspires me.” Acknowledge things you wish you’d told them. Tell them how they influenced and impacted your life. Share a time when they believed in you and it pushed you to succeed. Apologize if you need to. Share emotions of love and loss. Tell them things that you see that remind you of them. Reminisce on favorite memories.
You don’t have to be religious, spiritual, or believe in anything specific to feel as if the person is still with you, Bidwell Smith says. You can even ask them questions and think about how they would reply. Often, we know people so well that we know exactly how they’d reply. “We can really hear and hear their guidance and advice and support, if we allow it,” she says.
Hopefully, as time passes, your texts will become future-oriented, with you sharing the ways you are re-engaging in the world. “Life can be fulfilling, even in the presence of grief,” Dr. Wolfson says. As you grieve, text them about success you might have at work and the little joys you have in your days. If you eat a yummy sandwich, shoot them a pic.
While messaging can be a great tool, it’s one of many. “It’s not like sitting alone and crying in my bedroom is the only way to grieve.” Dr. Wolfson says. “There’s a whole menu of options.”
Messaging should not be the only tool you are using. Dr. Crabb recommends reaching out to friends, joining a support group, or meeting with a grief counselor.
When seeking friends to discuss your loss with, make sure that they understand grief and don’t “try to fix it and tidy it up,” Bidwell Smith says. One hack to find others who know what you are going through is to look to friends and family who are also missing your loved one.
“Messaging a loved one who’s passed away isn’t about clinging to the past,” Dr. Crabb says. “It’s about creating a bridge between what was and what is, helping to process loss, ease guilt, and gradually open the door to healing.”
Today, I still message Jeff. Yet not as often.
I can get through an episode of “Monday Night Raw” without seeping tears, but to be honest, I don’t watch it as much. It’s not as fun without him, but I’ve found new ways to spend my time.
When I text him, it’s not painful. I’m not mad anymore. Maybe he could have taken better care of his health, but maybe it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
Sometimes I imagine that his parents still have his phone active, and they read my texts. If they do, they never mention it to me when we see each other. Either way, they should know their son was loved.
I no longer message him cause I’m sad – I do it because it would make him laugh. Me still messaging him a year after he dropped dead. Me making the same corny jokes, bringing up money he owes me, complaining that he stood me up for the Royal Rumble.
Jay Deitcher (he/him) is a freelance journalist, former social worker, and dad to three kiddos. He loves writing and ranting about parenting, Judaism, comics, pro wrestling, addiction, and mental health. He received an MFA from Stony Brook University and has been published in Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, Esquire, Self, BBC, The Cut, and Vox.
