I’ve never been one to play the “chill girl” in a relationship. For me, there was no such thing as “casual” because nothing about the way that I love is casual. I’m a sensitive, highly emotional person, and I tend to go all-in when I start dating someone new. But when I first saw the “Casual” TikTok trend, even I was flabbergasted.
The viral trend features photos of couples set to “Casual” by Chappell Roan with captions like, “Here are all the casual things my boyfriend and I did before we started dating.” The following slide then says something along the lines of, “Absolutely nothing. We moved in together after two weeks and adopted a dog together after a month.” While things clearly worked out for the couples sharing these stories, I think more frequently, jumping headfirst into a brand new relationship that intensely ends in disaster.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a little delulu. I’ve totally been guilty of envisioning my magical wedding in a forest (á la Bella and Edward in “Twilight“) after an amazing first date. But, there comes a point where you have to draw a line between moving quickly – and completely skipping some necessary relationship stages. It’s also important to spot the signs of love bombing, which is absolutely happening in half of those stories shared on TikTok.
“Love bombing is an overwhelming display of affection and attention early on in a relationship to create emotional dependence and control,” therapist Kamela Quirjo tells PS.
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Kamela Quirjo, MA, LPCC, is a licensed clinical therapist and owner of Iliria Therapy.
My most recent relationship was a unique example of how beneficial it can be to take your time getting to know someone, rather than moving in after three weeks or saying “I love you” 48 hours after your first date. We met up after New Year’s, and then he had to spend two weeks out of state traveling for work. Did it kind of suck because I was excited about him? Yes. But did it make me appreciate the time we would eventually spend together more and focus on my own life instead of pining after him? Also yes. As they say, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
The slow burn approach was necessary because this particular ex had to spend four days a week out of town for work, so we only got to see each other once or twice a week the entire time we dated. We had no choice but to take our time and enjoy emotional independence over the eight or so months we dated. In other words, things really had to start out casual.
Throughout my young adulthood, I had struggled with severe anxious attachment issues, and although this person and I did eventually break up, I was proud of how much I grew in my independence and how securely attached I had become. The physical distance and limited communication opportunities between my partner and I were tough, sure, but they provided me with so much space and energy to grow my career, spend time with family and friends, and do things that made me happy outside of our connection. I realized that happiness should always come from within myself, not a partner or relationship.
This earned mindset is why I’m baffled that, with the “Casual” TikTok trend, people are romanticizing the idea of rushing into a long-term relationship with a stranger. While it may seem particularly romantic or predestined to get engaged after three months of dating, the truth is that you do not actually know someone after such a short period of time. In my opinion, you really don’t know the full essence of who your partner is until you live with them – but that’s an entirely different conversation.
It’s impossible to fully know about someone’s childhood, their mental health, the relationships they have with family and friends, their dating history, their pet peeves, and so much more within a few weeks’ time. A person overcome with emotions may feel like they’ve known their new partner for their entire lives, but that is literally not true.
In reality, skipping over the casual phase of dating and committing to someone you barely know can end in a devastating – or even dangerous – way. How do you know the person you’ve gone on three dates with isn’t an emotionally abusive narcissist? What if the partner you just moved in with two months after meeting is hiding an active addiction? There are many hardships that can be mitigated if you take time to seriously get familiar with someone before forming an interdependent partnership.
How you choose to date and operate in romantic relationships is a personal choice. Still, I believe that taking your time and enjoying that slow burn of getting to know someone exciting and new is the best method. Mindful pacing can spur more dates, flirting, butterflies, and lighthearted quality time, and also set your partnership up for long-term success.
Truly knowing someone to their core takes time. Building a sense of trust through intimacy and vulnerability takes time. A slow burn should be just that – slow. “Only through shared experiences and thoughtful reflection can you determine whether your partner’s values align with your own,” says Quirjo.
Think of it this way: you wouldn’t cook unseasoned chicken without marinating it first, right? If you’re into wine, you wouldn’t want to drink something that hasn’t yet aged a single day. Instead, you’d want to wait, let the process happen, and then enjoy the reward at the end.
Next time you’re heading for a first date, and already hearing wedding bells, picture your future relationship like that first sip of a juicy, well-aged glass of wine. I promise it will be worth the wait.
Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer on Bustle’s Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.
