There are a lot of great first-date questions out there like, “What are you looking for?” and “What’s your most controversial opinion?” But “So, what’s wrong with you?” is definitely not one of them. And yet, on the newest season of “Love Is Blind,” Dave Bettenburg thought this would be a great question to ask every single one of his dates in the pods.
Although Netflix producers never really showed us how his dates responded to the question, it’s not hard to imagine their reactions. The question assumes that there must be something wrong with someone if they’re single, and I just don’t think that’s the case.
To me, being single means that you likely have great boundaries and know your worth. Most importantly, you probably aren’t willing to compromise on your values just to be in a relationship. In the case of “Love Is Blind,” contestants may be single and entertaining enough to be cast on a reality TV dating show, but that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them. (If anything, there’s probably something wrong with the person asking the question in the first place.)
That said, I do see the value in addressing any potential dealbreakers at the beginning of dating someone, but leading with this negativity just isn’t the move. Below, relationship expert Nicole Moore explains why you shouldn’t be asking “what’s wrong with you?” on a first date – or in the pods.
Experts Featured in This Article
Nicole Moore is a relationship therapist and founder of the Love Works Method, a program that has helped people find lasting love fast.
Is “What’s Wrong With You?” a Good First Date Question?
“What’s wrong with you?” is a question you should probably avoid asking anyone in general. “When you’re on a first date, you want to get to know each other and see if there is enough interest to go on another date,” Moore says. What you don’t want to do? Hop on a mission to find out the worst things about your date, she adds.
While there is value in talking about politics, religion, abortion, children, and other more sensitive topics early on in the dating process, asking someone what’s wrong with them can put them on the defense. “The question can be very triggering to those who’ve been single for a long time,” Moore says. “Many people are single simply because they haven’t met the right person yet, and those people would likely say that they haven’t found anyone who’s up to their standards.”
Plus, it can backfire for the person asking the question. “Asking this question could also be an indicator that you lack trust in people because you’re looking for red flags right off that bat,” Moore adds. “The question could make you look jaded.”
Instead of assuming there’s something wrong with the person you’re with because they’re single, give them the benefit of the doubt. Learn about their hobbies, their goals, what inspires them, and how they choose to spend their time. The best first-date questions keep the conversation moving in a way that feels easy and light.
Serious first-date questions aren’t necessarily off limits, though: If you’re looking for a relationship, asking someone what they’re interested in long-term is a great first date question. If you’re looking for someone who shares similar political beliefs, asking them about what social issues are important to them is a great option too.
At the end of the day, there are a lot of questions you can ask someone on a first date – many that will even help you decide if you’re compatible with them. But asking your date “What’s wrong with you?” isn’t the cute joke Dave thinks it is.
Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.
