Everyone is having more sex than you. At least, that’s how it may seem when you’re watching horny “Bridgerton” sex scenes or hearing about your best friend’s sexcapades during brunch. But even though it may feel that way, how often do people really, actually, truthfully have sex?
For some couples, it may be every day. For others, every few months. But the truth is, there’s no “right” or “normal” amount of times you should be having sex.
“While most people enjoy sex, not everyone wants or needs to have sex frequently, while others truly do feel they need to,” relationship expert Nicole Moore says. “It’s important to honor your own needs and not make yourself feel wrong by comparing yourself to others,” especially if you’re happy and satisfied by the amount of sex you’re having.
To normalize how different every person’s sex life is, and attempt to answer how often people have sex once and for all, we anonymously polled PS followers on Instagram to see how often they have sex with their partners. The results were surprising.
How Often Do People Have Sex?
Micah*, 42, has been with her husband for more than six years, and they have penetrative sex on average around 20 times per month. “There’s rarely a day that he’s home that we don’t have some type of sexual contact,” she tells PS. “It’s a way for us to connect, so if we’re not having sex often, it doesn’t feel right.”
But for someone like Christina, 29, who has sex one to two times a month with her partner of two years, she believes she is having less sex than most people her age. “I envy those that seem to have a super active sex life, but then understand that it’s not lack of desire, just lack of energy and time,” she adds.
When we reached out on Instagram to anonymously poll our PS followers on how often they have sex, we weren’t sure what the results would look like. But according to the 432 respondents, the data was pretty split:
- 20 percent of people said they have sex more than eight times a month
- 23 percent of people said they have sex five to eight times a month
- 37 percent of people said they have sex one to four times a month
- 20 percent of people said they have sex less than once a month
Even though this data represents a small fraction of the millions of people in the United States, it helps prove that there’s no “right” amount of sex to have. “The frequency of sex in relationships is truly all across the board, and there’s no clear winner in terms of how often one has sex within a relationship,” Moore says.
If you’re happy with the amount of sex you have with your partner, that’s genuinely all that matters.
How to Avoid Comparing Your Sex Life to Others
If you are happy with your sex life but still wonder if you should be having more, try and focus on how happy you feel in your own relationship. “We have to get over the mistaken idea that more sex automatically means a better sex life,” Moore says. “Some people prefer to focus on quality over quantity, and that’s OK, but it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with your sex life.”
Moore says to look at sex similarly to how we look at eating dessert: some people want to enjoy a nice dessert every once in a while to truly savor it, while other people want a sweet little treat every night. “Neither experience is right or wrong; it all comes down to individual preference and what makes you feel truly satisfied,” Moore says.
“We have to get over the mistaken idea that more sex automatically means a better sex life.”
Keep in mind that there are other factors that could also impact your desire to have sex – many of them not having anything to do with the quality of your romantic relationship, Moore says. You could be struggling with general life stressors, like work and school, or you could be navigating sexual trauma, hormones, medical conditions, birth control and its potential side effects, and more. For this reason, it’s important to understand that others are likely not dealing with the same things you and your partner are.
If you do, however, want to increase the amount of sex you’re having – and not because you think you need to be having more sex, but because you want to be having more sex – Moore says it starts by communicating with your partner. “If you communicate your true feelings with your partner and make it sound like a win-win for the relationship rather than making them feel wrong, they will be much more likely to listen to your concerns,” she says. “Let them know that you want them to be satisfied and you want to be satisfied too, and you want to come up with a solution that works for both of you.”
In the case that you’re happy, satisfied, and embracing all those incredible endorphins from the perfect amount of sex you’re having, it really doesn’t matter how many different types of sex positions your bestie is getting twisted into. You and your partner’s happiness are the only two things to consider.
*Names have been changed
Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at POPSUGAR who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more. In her six years working in editorial, she’s written about how semen is digested, why sex aftercare is the move, and how the overturn of Roe killed situationships.
