Although masturbation is often thought of as something you do by yourself, it’s also an amazingly hot way to engage with your partner. Whether you’re looking to spice up your relationship, build trust and connection with your partner, or just explore new sensations, mutual masturbation is a sex technique worth trying.
“Mutual masturbation can create an extremely erotic environment, enhancing the desire between partners,” Megwyn White, certified clinical sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer, says. “It creates a shared experience for something that typically is done in private, creating intimacy between partners.”
It’s totally understandable if mutually masturbating with your partner sounds a little intimidating, though. Just like introducing any new kink or common fetish into your sex life, it’s intimate! It’s private! It’s personal! But trust, diving into the world of mutual masturbation is a rewarding experience that allows all partners to experience pleasure – and observe each other’s pleasure – in a way they likely never have before.
What Is Mutual Masturbating?
Mutual masturbation refers to the act of pleasuring yourself alongside someone else, White says. Oftentimes, this can look like taking turns watching one another masturbate or simultaneously watching each other masturbate. Some people even use it as a connective tool in long-distance relationships when they can’t be physically together in person. And though mutual masturbation is often referred to as “couple masturbation,” it can also be done with multiple partners for group masturbation, too. (More on that below.)
As for the benefits of trying mutual masturbation: Masturbation is an extremely erotic act that allows people to enjoy pleasure on their own terms and within their own power. It’s an exercise rooted in self-love, agency, and pleasure, which explains why it can feel vulnerable to take this private act and share it with someone else. But that vulnerability can actually serve to deepen the connection between lovers, turn you on, and create a unique environment where you and your partner can experience a bit of consensual voyeurism.
“As people, we like to witness pleasure in others. It’s a reflection of what we may look like and experience when we are in the heat of our own pleasure, since we don’t often get to see that in ourselves,” therapist and sexologist Joy Berkheimer, LMFT, says.
The best part is that the possibilities of mutual masturbation are pretty much endless: It can serve as foreplay or the main event, it’s a great alternative for those who don’t enjoy internal (or “penetrative” sex), and it’s also a low-stakes way to explore kinks like sexual edging.
Additionally, “when couples or groups explore masturbation together, it allows partners to tune into their own personal ‘pleasure maps’ while also getting to observe what turns their partner on and their partner’s unique experience of pleasure,” says White. In other words, you can teach your partner where to touch you in a non-intimidating way. Plus, on a more practical level, mutual masturbation means people aren’t fluid swapping (or coming into contact with other people’s sexual fluids), which eliminates the possibility of STIs or pregnancy.
How to Try Mutual Masturbation Together
First, it’s important to have a discussion with your partner about introducing mutual masturbation into your routine. “Like any sexual experience, beginning to incorporate mutual masturbation into your routine can feel vulnerable and awkward at first. Have open conversations with your partner to ensure you are on the same page,” says White.
Make sure you explicitly talk about what you and your partner are comfortable with – like using sex toys in front of each other, watching one another, or touching each other during the mutual masturbating. As always, if you or your partner gets uncomfortable at any point, always decide on a safe word beforehand to let each other know to end the session.
Once everyone has agreed and consented to the idea, decide on a place where you’d like the masturbating to happen. It doesn’t matter if it’s on the floor, in the bedroom, shower, or the kitchen, just make sure to pick a place that is both comfortable and familiar.
Before diving right into the masturbating, spend some time taking your clothes off in front of each other. Allow your eyes to wander all over your partner as they simultaneously take in the sight of you as well. Then, the sexual experience can look however your normal masturbation sessions would. Touch yourself the way you would if you were by yourself, while also paying attention to what your partner is doing.
“For those who may be trying mutual masturbation for the first time, laying side by side while masturbating may be most comfortable so you and your partner can make as much or little eye contact as you’d like,” says White. You could also position yourself by sitting face to face with them, which will give you (and your partner) a full-frontal view, she adds.
Finally, if you want to orgasm together with your partner, make sure to tell them when you’re close so you can sync your orgasms together.
Mutual Masturbation Tips
Below, White recommends the following tips when mutual masturbating together that will help to fully enhance the experience.
Set the mood. Like with any other kind of sex, a little prep work will go a long way. Think about what makes you most comfortable and excited when you masturbate – a certain toy, water-based or silicone-based lube, a sex playlist, or a towel – and make sure you have those easily on hand. If you also like to listen or watch porn while you masturbate, ask your partner if they’d be open to doing that during your mutual masturbation session as well.
Use FaceTime to your advantage. If you aren’t physically together with your partner, mutual masturbation is a great way to keep the spark alive through your phone. White suggests propping up your phone in a stable position and then sitting while facing the camera. Feel free to kneel, stand up, thrust, or move in front of the camera as you masturbate. Just make sure to be crystal clear on consent if you’re taking your play over the phone. It’s super easy to take screenshots or to record a screen. Tell your partner ahead of time how you feel about pictures or recordings, and make sure you trust your partner before jumping into play.
Add some dirty talk in. Telling your partner how sexy they look or how good something feels will only enhance the experience for the better. If agreed upon beforehand, you can also give each other instructions on how and where to touch each other.
Use sex toys. Don’t feel shy about introducing sex toys into your mutual masturbation session; they can be something to connect over. Try using a remote-control sex toy so that you and your partner can control the intensity, speed, and pattern of one another’s toys.
Get more involved. “If you are in person with your partner and they are comfortable with it, feel free to touch and kiss them as you’re learning what they like,” says White.
Group Masturbation Tips
In group dynamics, the same rules generally apply. Be communicative, have sex toys and lube on hand, and get into a comfortable position. With multiple people in the mix, always make sure all participants are on the same page by setting some ground rules before play like if kissing or touching is OK, if you will sync your orgasms, what kind of dirty talk is welcome, and more.
When you’re ready to start, Berkheimer recommends laying down in a circle next to one another, which will give all parties the ability to view pleasure “from several different angles of this circle.” Then, communicate with each other on how everything feels and when you’ll be close to orgasm.
Just keep in mind that while mutual masturbation is a relatively safe practice, any time there are bodily fluids from vaginal discharge or semen, “STIs can be spread,” says White. “Be cautious of this spread if you and your partners decide to incorporate touching each other during your practice and consider getting tested consistently.”
Sara Youngblood Gregory was a contributing staff writer for POPSUGAR Wellness. She covers sex, kink, disability, pleasure, and wellness. Sara serves on the board of the lesbian literary and arts journal, Sinister Wisdom. Her work has been featured in Vice, HuffPost, Bustle, DAME, The Rumpus, Jezebel, and many others. Sara’s debut nonfiction work, “The Polyamory Workbook,” about navigating ethical nonmonogamy, is out now.
