The wedding date had been inexplicably moved up a week early and none of our vendors knew. I hadn’t picked up my dress in time. Everything was running so behind schedule that we didn’t have time for a reception.
I woke up with my heart racing. After taking a few breaths, I felt a sweeping realization that it was all just a stress dream. It was a sensation that had become all-too-familiar in the weeks and even months leading up to my wedding day. Except, this time, the wedding wasn’t in the near or distant future – it had already happened.
Experts Featured in This Article
Lauren Cook, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and author.
Chloe Carmichael, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety.”
My Experience with Post-Wedding Anxiety
Candidly, I wasn’t the kind of little girl who dreamed about her future wedding. I don’t say that to play into the trite “I’m different than other girls” trope, but rather to emphasize that I never anticipated getting consumed by nuptial planning.
My (now) husband and I went back and forth on whether or not a wedding was even right for us. That whole elopement concept – absent of family dynamics and decor minutia – seemed pretty damn sweet. But after picturing every possible option and scenario, we decided that we wanted to celebrate with our loved ones (I also thoroughly recognize my privilege in even being able to make this choice). And so, wedding planning was set in motion.
Another thing to know about me: I don’t really half-ass anything. If I set a goal, I’m all in. As it turned out, as much as I told myself it wouldn’t take over my life, wedding planning became a project that was consistently at the forefront of my mind. Over the course of a year and three months, my social media algorithm morphed into a wedding echo chamber, all of my free time was absorbed by researching vendors or deciding on decor, and the endless to-do list was like a mythological hydra.
This isn’t to say it wasn’t a joyful process. My partner and I romanticized the journey as much as possible, spinning vendor research and meetings into date nights. I have fond memories of dress shopping and visiting the flower market with my mom and sister. And, I loved exercising my creative brain to come up with details we could include to make the whole weekend feel uniquely us and speak to our love story.
However, as the weekend drew nearer, my experience became less unique: that is to say, as we so often hear about weddings, the stress began to set in. I’m no stranger to generalized anxiety, but my anxious thoughts and feelings were certainly escalating. I began to hyperfixate on the tiniest details; I worried about how people in the various facets of our life would get along; I feared every possible thing that could go wrong.
Once the day arrived, most of that stress began to melt away. I told myself there would likely be snafus, and that it would all be wonderful nevertheless. And, honestly, it was. Although some things did, in fact, go wrong, I couldn’t have cared less – I was too wrapped up in the bliss of marrying my best friend, the and beauty of celebrating with our loved ones.
And so, I thought that would be the end of it: I’d never have another ounce of stress about this wedding ever again.
Wrong. For the next few weeks (and, if I’m being honest, even the night of), my brain refused to let go of the anxiety. My mind turned over every single detail that went awry, and began conjuring every possible way I could have fixed it. I began to question every decision I’d made. I had trouble sleeping. I continued to wake up in a panic, rattled by stress dreams.
I scoured the internet to see if anyone else had experienced these kinds of feelings after their wedding. Surely, I wasn’t the only one. However, I primarily found information on “post-wedding blues” – aka the sadness or depressive feelings that often come after a wedding, generally because the long-anticipated event is over. In this case, people feel lost without a big project to work on, or an exciting event to look forward to. This, however, didn’t really capture my experience. I felt very alone and desperate for some answers.
Yes, Post-Wedding Anxiety Is a Thing, According to Experts
After giving myself some grace and speaking to my therapist, I patiently worked through those lingering anxious feelings. But the lack of solidarity I found on this topic still nagged at me. I couldn’t possibly be the only one with this story, right? To get some answers, I reached out to experts and posed the question: can we talk about post-wedding anxiety?
“First of all, I want to normalize this topic,” says Lauren Cook, PsyD. “It’s actually pretty common, and I’ve definitely seen it in my practice with clients.”
There’s so much wrapped up in a wedding, with years of expectations and build-up – and then it’s over in a day or weekend, Dr. Cook describes. “That can be pretty jarring.”
While Dr. Cook notes this sensation can lead to feelings of grief or depression (that aforementioned “post-wedding blues”), it can also result in residual anxiety. Why exactly? Well, “the brain likes efficiency,” says Chloe Carmichael, PhD. So if the brain has developed the cognitive habit of constantly thinking about a particular habit (like, say, a wedding), it can be difficult to break that cycle, she says.
And beyond just mentally fixating on the topic, the aftermath of wedding planning can take a toll on our nervous system. “Anxiety is like a motor,” Dr. Cook says. So if, over the course of wedding planning, you’ve ramped up to a rapid pace, “we tend to keep that momentum up. We’re creatures of habit, so allowing our nervous system to settle down can be challenging. After such a long time, a lot of people don’t even remember what baseline feels like.”
It’s worth noting that, as anxiety looks different for everyone, post-wedding anxiety can also show up in many different ways. Some might have trouble sleeping (especially as the brain tries to make sense of everything), others might ruminate on the details of the day, or experience stomach issues (nausea, heartburn, vomiting, etc.). “Another classic sign is difficulty concentrating,” Dr. Cook says. “It can be really hard to focus after a peak experience of a wedding where there’s so much focus on. It’s like training for a marathon, in a way. Once you’re done, you think, well, where’s my running routine next week? It’s just such a recalibration.”
What’s more, wedding aside, Dr. Cook flags that getting married is a huge shift for some people – which can bring on its own brand of angst. “It’s such an immediate identity shift, and it might even feel a little weird at first,” she notes, even if you’re absolutely in love and sure about your partner. “It’s important to give yourself grace during that season of transition and adjustment.”
How to Cope With Post-Wedding Anxiety
If any of the above resonated with you, I first need you to know you are absolutely not alone. Between the exorbitant costs, lofty expectations thanks to social media, any number of dynamics among loved ones, or whatever other reasons are keeping you up at night – weddings can be just as anxiety-inducing as they are joyful. “One thing that can make it really hard to get past post-wedding anxiety is that you don’t typically get a do-over,” Dr. Cook says “With most things in life – you don’t do great on a project at work, or you have a conflict with a friend – you can get another chance. But with a wedding, there’s so much finality to it.”
That said, there are a few expert-backed strategies that may help, according to the experts:
1. Make space for decompression.
“Sometimes it’s helpful to plan for a period of decompression after a big event,” Dr. Carmichael says. “For example, when I was in school, I used to plan a weekend yoga retreat every weekend after finals. This was much better than just finishing my last exam and then scratching my head wondering what to do. If you know in advance how you tend to respond to stress, you can practice self-care by planning accordingly.”
2. Plan something to look forward to.
“A wedding is such an epic thing to look forward to, and it can feel really unnerving to not have something next to sink your teeth into,” according to Dr. Cook. “So plan something (smaller than a wedding, of course) you can get excited about, whether it’s like a little trip or decorating a space in your newlywed home.”
3. Take control of your social media.
Social media algorithms are good . . . but not so good that they know to stop serving you wedding content after the day is over. And seeing reminders all over your feed won’t exactly help with those anxious feelings. Instead, unfollow wedding accounts, flag that you’re uninterested – but, more importantly, step away from the screens.
4. Practice breathwork.
Simply put: “Any provider will tell you that breathwork is a given,” Dr. Cook says. Check out the PS guide to breathwork, or this five-minute guided routine.
5. Move your body.
Another form of mindful meditation: Dr. Cook says exercising can be incredibly restorative. So try a yoga class, or even just go on a nice walk with your partner – anything to get you out of your head and into your body. What’s more, Carmichael notes that a workout class can be a great outlet for all that residual adrenaline and cortisol coursing through you after a big event.
6. Write it down.
If you notice yourself ruminating on the details, rather than keep it all in your head, write it out. “Your brain is trying to process it, so getting it out of your head by putting it on paper is going to have a nice cathartic effect.”
While talking to Dr. Cook, she said that a lot of people feel shame in processing a big event – especially with something like a wedding, where it feels like we’re only supposed to share the happy feelings around it. However, it’s important to give yourself the space to experience those feelings without judgment.
So, here I am, candidly opening up about this fact: my wedding weekend was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.
I got to marry my person. I was overwhelmed by love and support. And I had a tough time in the wake of it all. Two things can be true at once, and it doesn’t make it any less beautiful – it just makes it real.
Kristine Thomason is a lifestyle writer and editor based in Southern California. Previously, she was the health and fitness director at mindbodygreen, and the fitness and wellness editor at Women’s Health. Kristine’s work has also appeared in PS, Travel + Leisure, Men’s Health, Health, and Refinery29, among others.
